Thomas Hardy - George R Sims - Chris Everard - Don Cupitt - Bob Geldof & Midge Ure - Monty Python - Ken Dodd - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow - Irving Berlin - esias - John Betjeman - Clement C Moore - George and Weedon Grossmith - Edward Heath - Blackadder’s Christmas Carol TV - Alan Ayckbourn TV - The Christmas No. 1 Story TV - Dr Seuss - J K Rowling - George Carlin - The US Office TV - Francis Pharcellus Church - Tom Flynn - Gamaliel Bradford - Reno Sereno - W J Locker - Associated Press: Christmyth - News articles - Bill Watterson - Dave Barry - Norman Vinent Peale - Jay Leno - Calvin Coolidge - C S Lewis - Charles Dickens - Graham Greene - G K Chesterton - Banksy - Sylvia Plath - Will Self - Barnard Manning - Phyllis Diller - Dave Barry - William Tecumseh Sherman - Christopher Hitchens - Ellie Goulding - Ice Cube - Shirley Temple Black - Lemony Snicket - Franklin Pierce Adams - Benny Hill - Robert Beckford - Origins of Christianity TV - Brazil 1985 - Roundhead or Cavalier: Which One Are You? TV - Louisa M Alcott - The Royle Family TV - The Office US TV - T S Eliot - Robert Tressell - Stephen Fanshaw - Rab C Nesbitt TV - Spitting Image TV - Louis Theroux TV - Tonight TV - Cunk on Christmas TV - Oxford Street Revealed TV - Trailer Park Boys: Dear Santa Claus, Go Fuck Yourself 2004 - Timeshift TV - A Merry Tudor Christmas with Lucy Worsley TV - Inside Harrods at Christmas TV - Aldi at Christmas TV - Christmas in New York: Inside the Plaza TV - Kiss of Death 1947 -
‘Peace upon Earth!’ was said. We sing it,
And pay a million priests to bring it.
After two thousand years of mass
We’ve got as far as poison-gas. Thomas Hardy, Christmas
Here we broached the Christmas barrel,
Pushed up the charred log-ends;
Here we sang the Christmas carol.
And called in friends ... Thomas Hardy, The House of Hospitalities
Through snowy woods and shady
We went to play a tune
To the lonely manor-lady
By the light of the Christmas moon ... Thomas Hardy, Seen By the Waits
Christmas Eve, and twelve of the clock.
‘Now they are on their knees,’
An elder said as we sat in a flock
By the embers in hearthside ease ... Thomas Hardy, The Oxen
It is Christmas Day in the workhouse. George R Sims, ‘In the Workhouse – Christmas Day’
Deus Sol Invictus, the unconquered sun-god, was the sun-god of the Roman empire. The cult was created by the Roman emperor Aurelian, and offered prayers and sacrifices to the spirit of the sun. The spirit of the sun has a name: it is called the Solar Logos, and it is this spirit which the Roman Sol Invictus cult prayed to. The Romans held a festival on December 25th called Deus Natalis Solis Invicti, the birthday of the unconquered sun. This festival has been transformed over time and is now called Christmas. Chris Everard, Spirit World II
Christmas is the Disneyfication of Christianity. Don Cupitt
It’s Christmas time, there’s no need to be afraid
At Christmas time, we let in light and we banish shade
And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy
Throw your arms around the world at Christmas tim
But say a prayer, Pray for the other ones
At Christmas time it’s hard, but when you’re having fun
There’s a world outside your window
And it’s a world of dread and fear
Where the only water flowing
Is the bitter sting of tears
And the Christmas bells that ring
There are the clanging chimes of doom
Well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you
And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time
The greatest gift they’ll get this year is life
Where nothing ever grows
No rain nor rivers flow
Do they know it’s Christmas time at all? ... Bob Geldof & Midge Ure et al, Do They Know It’s Christmasm song 1984
It’s Christmas in Heaven, all the children sing.
It’s Christmas in Heaven, how hard those Church bells ring.
It’s Christmas in Heaven, the snow falls from the sky,
But it’s nice and warm, and everyone looks smart and wears a tie.
It’s Christmas in Heaven, there’s great films on TV
The Sound of Music twice an hour, and Jaws one, two and three.
There’s gifts for all the family, there’s toys and trees and trains
There’s Sony Walkman, headphone sets, and the latest video games. Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life 1983 starring Graham Chapman & John Cleese & Terry Gilliam & Erid Idle & Terry Jones & Michael Palin & Carol Cleveland & Patricia Quinn & Mark Holmes & Simon Jones & Matt Frewer & Jane Leeves et al, director Terry Jones, entertainer in Heaven
Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat.
Who’d have thought the Gander would do a thing like that? Ken Dodd
I heard the bells on Christmas day; their old familiar carols play. And wild and sweet the word repeat of peace on earth, good-will to men! Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,
Just like the ones I used to know,
Where the tree-tops glisten
And children listen
To hear sleigh bells in the snow. Irving Berlin, 1888-1989, White Christmas from Holiday Inn, 1942
I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,
Along the lines I use my nose,
Where the crystals glisten,
And children are forbidden
Drop-dead, Bells-sodden in the snow. esias
The bells of waiting Advent ring,
The Tortoise stove is lit again
And lamp-oil light across the night
Has caught the streaks of winter rain
In many a stained-glass window sheen
From Crimson Lake to Hooker’s Green. John Betjeman, Christmas
And is it true? And is it true,
The most tremendous tale of all
Seen in a stained-glass window’s hue,
A Baby in an ox-stall?
The maker of the stars and sea
Become a child on Earth for me. John Betjeman, 1906-1984, Christmas, 1954
’Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there. Clement C Moore, A View from St Nicholas, December 1832
I am a poor man, but I would gladly give ten shillings to find out who sent me the insulting Christmas card I received this morning. George and Weedon Grossmith, The Diary of a Nobody 1894
We shall have a harder Christmas than we have known since the war. Edward Heath
In the reign of good Queen Vic there stood in Dublin Lane in the kindest and loveliest man in all England. Blackadder’s Christmas Carol 1988 starring Rowan Atkinson & Tony Robinson & Mariam Margoyles & Jim Broadbent & Robbie Coltrane & Miranda Richardson & Stephen Fry et al, director Richard Boden
This high infant mortality rate is a real devil when it comes to staging quality children’s theatre. ibid.
I’m off to the gin shop. ibid.
Spirit of Christmas. How do you do? ibid.
Bad guys have all the fun. ibid.
Love I should warn you is like a Christmas cracker – one massively disappointing bang and the novelty soon wears off. ibid. Ebeneezer to goddaughter
I’ll tell you what I’ve given them all for Christmas and I’m not ashamed to say so – I’ve given them all a gun. Alan Ayckbourn, Season’s Greetings starring Michael Cashman & Barbara Flynn & Nicky Henson & Anna Massey & Geoffrey Palmer & Peter Vaughan et al, director Michael A Simpson, Harvey to Bernard, BBC 1986
I will not include gratuitous violence and sex, not for anyone. ibid.
We don’t want to start Christmas like this, do we? ibid. Eddie
They can’t talk while they’re fighting, can they? ibid. Harvey
I really will. I’ll do something. I really will in a minute. I really will. ibid. Eddie to Pattie
I’ve just been to church. Pay my respects. You know. I like to go once a year, that’s all. Just in case. Keep the options open, eh. ibid. Harvey to Clive
One day we’ll wake up. If we wake up at all that is. And our so-called civilisation will have vanished overnight. ibid. Harvey to Clive
I don’t fancy a woman in my bed any more than a man. ibid. Rachel to Clive
Why does sex go and spoil everything? ibid.
There’s a strong possibility the man’s a homosexual. He hangs about with engine drivers apparently. ibid. Harvey
All I can really say about you is that you’re a snob, bigot, a racist, a chauvinist and an ignorant insensitive narrow-minded intolerant humourless wart. ibid. Bernard to Harvey