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★ Christmas

Thomas Hardy - George R Sims - Chris Everard - Don Cupitt - Bob Geldof & Midge Ure - Monty Python - Ken Dodd - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow - Irving Berlin - esias - John Betjeman - Clement C Moore - George and Weedon Grossmith - Edward Heath - Blackadders Christmas Carol TV - Alan Ayckbourn TV - The Christmas No. 1 Story TV - Dr Seuss - J K Rowling - George Carlin - The US Office TV - Francis Pharcellus Church - Tom Flynn - Gamaliel Bradford - Reno Sereno - W J Locker - Associated Press: Christmyth - News articles - Bill Watterson - Dave Barry - Norman Vinent Peale - Jay Leno - Calvin Coolidge -  C S Lewis - Charles Dickens - Graham Greene - G K Chesterton - Banksy - Sylvia Plath - Will Self - Barnard Manning - Phyllis Diller - Dave Barry - William Tecumseh Sherman - Christopher Hitchens - Ellie Goulding - Ice Cube - Shirley Temple Black - Lemony Snicket - Franklin Pierce Adams - Benny Hill - Robert Beckford - Origins of Christianity TV - Brazil 1985 - Roundhead or Cavalier: Which One Are You? TV - Louisa M Alcott - The Royle Family TV - The Office US TV - T S Eliot - Robert Tressell - Stephen Fanshaw - Rab C Nesbitt TV - Spitting Image TV - Louis Theroux TV - Tonight TV - Cunk on Christmas TV - Oxford Street Revealed TV - Trailer Park Boys: Dear Santa Claus, Go Fuck Yourself 2004 - Timeshift TV - A Merry Tudor Christmas with Lucy Worsley TV - Inside Harrods at Christmas TV - Aldi at Christmas TV - Christmas in New York: Inside the Plaza TV - Kiss of Death 1947 -                

 

 

 

‘Peace upon Earth!’ was said.  We sing it,

And pay a million priests to bring it.

After two thousand years of mass

We’ve got as far as poison-gas.  Thomas Hardy, Christmas

 

 

Here we broached the Christmas barrel,

Pushed up the charred log-ends;

Here we sang the Christmas carol.

And called in friends ...  Thomas Hardy, The House of Hospitalities

 

 

Through snowy woods and shady

We went to play a tune

To the lonely manor-lady

By the light of the Christmas moon ...  Thomas Hardy, Seen By the Waits

 

 

Christmas Eve, and twelve of the clock.

‘Now they are on their knees,’

An elder said as we sat in a flock

By the embers in hearthside ease ...  Thomas Hardy, The Oxen  

 

 

It is Christmas Day in the workhouse.  George R Sims, ‘In the Workhouse – Christmas Day’

 

 

Deus Sol Invictus, the unconquered sun-god, was the sun-god of the Roman empire.  The cult was created by the Roman emperor Aurelian, and offered prayers and sacrifices to the spirit of the sun.  The spirit of the sun has a name: it is called the Solar Logos, and it is this spirit which the Roman Sol Invictus cult prayed to.  The Romans held a festival on December 25th called Deus Natalis Solis Invicti, the birthday of the unconquered sun.  This festival has been transformed over time and is now called Christmas.  Chris Everard, Spirit World II

 

 

Christmas is the Disneyfication of Christianity.  Don Cupitt

 

 

Its Christmas time, theres no need to be afraid

At Christmas time, we let in light and we banish shade

And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy

Throw your arms around the world at Christmas tim

But say a prayer, Pray for the other ones

At Christmas time its hard, but when youre having fun

Theres a world outside your window

And its a world of dread and fear

Where the only water flowing

Is the bitter sting of tears

And the Christmas bells that ring

There are the clanging chimes of doom

Well tonight thank God its them instead of you

And there wont be snow in Africa this Christmas time

The greatest gift theyll get this year is life

Where nothing ever grows

No rain nor rivers flow

Do they know its Christmas time at all? ...  Bob Geldof & Midge Ure et al, Do They Know It’s Christmasm song 1984

 

 

It’s Christmas in Heaven, all the children sing.

It’s Christmas in Heaven, how hard those Church bells ring.

It’s Christmas in Heaven, the snow falls from the sky,

But it’s nice and warm, and everyone looks smart and wears a tie.

 

It’s Christmas in Heaven, there’s great films on TV

The Sound of Music twice an hour, and Jaws one, two and three.

There’s gifts for all the family, there’s toys and trees and trains

There’s Sony Walkman, headphone sets, and the latest video games.  Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life 1983 starring Graham Chapman & John Cleese & Terry Gilliam & Erid Idle & Terry Jones & Michael Palin & Carol Cleveland & Patricia Quinn & Mark Holmes & Simon Jones & Matt Frewer & Jane Leeves et al, director Terry Jones, entertainer in Heaven

 

 

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat.

Who’d have thought the Gander would do a thing like that?  Ken Dodd

 

 

I heard the bells on Christmas day; their old familiar carols play.  And wild and sweet the word repeat of peace on earth, good-will to men!  Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 

 

 

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,

Just like the ones I used to know,

Where the tree-tops glisten

And children listen

To hear sleigh bells in the snow.  Irving Berlin, 1888-1989, White Christmas from Holiday Inn, 1942 

 

cf.

 

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,

Along the lines I use my nose,

Where the crystals glisten,

And children are forbidden

Drop-dead, Bells-sodden in the snow.  esias 

 

 

The bells of waiting Advent ring,

The Tortoise stove is lit again

And lamp-oil light across the night

Has caught the streaks of winter rain

In many a stained-glass window sheen

From Crimson Lake to Hooker’s Green.  John Betjeman, Christmas

 

 

And is it true?  And is it true,

The most tremendous tale of all

Seen in a stained-glass window’s hue,

A Baby in an ox-stall?

The maker of the stars and sea

Become a child on Earth for me.  John Betjeman, 1906-1984, Christmas, 1954

 

 

’Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.  Clement C Moore, A View from St Nicholas, December 1832

 

 

I am a poor man, but I would gladly give ten shillings to find out who sent me the insulting Christmas card I received this morning.  George and Weedon Grossmith, The Diary of a Nobody 1894

 

 

We shall have a harder Christmas than we have known since the war.  Edward Heath

 

 

In the reign of good Queen Vic there stood in Dublin Lane in the kindest and loveliest man in all England.  Blackadder’s Christmas Carol 1988 starring Rowan Atkinson & Tony Robinson & Mariam Margoyles & Jim Broadbent & Robbie Coltrane & Miranda Richardson & Stephen Fry et al, director Richard Boden

 

This high infant mortality rate is a real devil when it comes to staging quality children’s theatre.  ibid.

 

I’m off to the gin shop.  ibid.  

 

Spirit of Christmas.  How do you do?  ibid.  

 

Bad guys have all the fun.  ibid.  

 

Love I should warn you is like a Christmas cracker – one massively disappointing bang and the novelty soon wears off.  ibid.  Ebeneezer to goddaughter

 

 

I’ll tell you what I’ve given them all for Christmas and I’m not ashamed to say so – I’ve given them all a gun.  Alan Ayckbourn, Season’s Greetings starring Michael Cashman & Barbara Flynn & Nicky Henson & Anna Massey & Geoffrey Palmer & Peter Vaughan et al, director Michael A Simpson, Harvey to Bernard, BBC 1986

 

I will not include gratuitous violence and sex, not for anyone.  ibid.

 

We don’t want to start Christmas like this, do we?  ibid.  Eddie

 

They can’t talk while they’re fighting, can they?  ibid.  Harvey

 

I really will.  I’ll do something.  I really will in a minute.  I really will.  ibid.  Eddie to Pattie

 

I’ve just been to church.  Pay my respects.  You know.  I like to go once a year, that’s all.  Just in case.  Keep the options open, eh.  ibid.  Harvey to Clive

 

One day we’ll wake up.  If we wake up at all that is.  And our so-called civilisation will have vanished overnight.  ibid.  Harvey to Clive

 

I don’t fancy a woman in my bed any more than a man.  ibid.  Rachel to Clive

 

Why does sex go and spoil everything?  ibid.  

 

There’s a strong possibility the man’s a homosexual.  He hangs about with engine drivers apparently.  ibid.  Harvey

 

All I can really say about you is that you’re a snob, bigot, a racist, a chauvinist and an ignorant insensitive narrow-minded intolerant humourless wart.  ibid.  Bernard to Harvey