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★ Mockumentaries

128,286.  Vampires have hidden amongst humans for millennia.  There are some in the community that believe that vampires should rule the world.  One such person is the Baron.  And he has become a massive prick.  (Mockumentary & Vampire)  What We Do in the Shadows s1e6: Baron’s Night Out, Lazzlo  

 

128,287.  He [Baron] is as mad as a waxed banana.  (Mockumentary & Vampire & Mad)  ibid.      

 

128,288.  We drank the blood of some people.  But the people were on drugs.  (Mockumentary & Vampire & Blood)  ibid.  Nandor  

 

 

128,289.  We are gathered here tonight in our backyard to commemorate the second death of the Baron.  (Mockumentary & Vampire & Funeral)  What We Do in the Shadows s1e7: The Trial, Nandor

 

128,290.  The vampiric council is a very ancient organisation.  Very powerful and apparently very scary.  (Mockumentary & Vampire)  ibid.   

 

128,291.  I was Jack the Ripper.  I’ve never told anyone that before.   (Mockumentary & Vampire & Jack the Ripper)  ibid.  Lazlo

 

 

128,292.  I have given a strange girl the most beautiful gift – the gift of becoming a vampiric blood-sucking creature of the shadows.  (Mockumentary & Vampire)  What We Do in the Shadows s1e8: Citizenship, Nadja

 

128,293.  Thank you all for coming to this house meeting.  (Mockumentary & Vampire & Meeting)  ibid.  Nandor  

 

128,294.  She is a below average vampire.  (Mockumentary & Vampire)  ibid.  Nadja

 

128,295.  It seems that government workers are immune to hypnotism.  (Mockumentary & Vampire)  ibid.  

 

128,296.  I didn’t pass … I’m like a little lost duck.  (Mockumentary & Vampire)  ibid.  Nandor fails citizenship test  

 

128,297.  I will rule this world for eternity.  (Mockumentary & Vampire)  ibid.  Nandor

 

 

128,298.  Our home has been selected to host the bi-annual vampire orgy.  (Mockumentary & Vampire)  What We Do in the Shadows s1e9: The Orgy  

 

128,299.  And absorbant towels.  Lots of them.  (Mockumentary & Vampire)  ibid.  Nandor

 

128,300.  And what about the virgins?  Have you got any yet?  (Mockumentary & Vampire)  ibid.  Nadja to Familiar

 

128,301.  My master is going to help me find a virgin.  (Mockumentary & Vampire)  Familiar   

 

 

128,314.  I had your DNA tested.  They tested it.  (Mockumentary & Vampire)  What We Do in the Shadows s1e10: Ancestry, Familiar  

 

128,315.  Becoming a vampire came at a strange time in my life.  (Mockumentary & Vampire)  ibid.  Nandor  

 

128,316.  Yes, witches are semen-stealers.  (Vampire & Mockumentary & Witch)  ibid.  Nadja

 

 

134,416.  So yes it’s been quite a summer.  We finally got a new Familiar.  But he had an accident and died.  (Vampire & Mockumentary & Summer)  What We Do in the Shadows s2e1: Resurrection, Nandja, BBC 2020  

 

134,417.  That’s the tenth vampire I’ve killed this month.  (Vampire & Mockumentary)  ibid.  Guillermo  

  

134,418.  Nadja: Look at all those pale desperate wretches scurrying around in the moonlight.

 

134,419.  Colin Robinson: It’s a performing arts school.  (Vampire & Mockumentary & Arts)  ibid.

 

134,420.  Firstly, and I’m not naming names, I have recently noticed that the house reeks of decaying flesh and there are dead birds everywhere.  (Vampire & Mockumentary & House)  ibid.

 

134,421.  You were bloody texting on your phone the whole time.  (Vampire & Mockumentary & Mobile Phone)  iibid.  Nadja to necomancer

 

 

134,422.  Nadja: Humph!  We’ve got ghosts.

 

Lazlo : Bullshit.  (Vampire & Mockumentary & Ghosts)  What We Do in the Shadows s2e2: Ghosts

 

134,423.  You saw one Babadook.  Don’t exaggerate.  (Vampire & Mockumentary & Ghosts)  ibid.  Nador to Guillermo  

 

134,424.  Nandor, there a fucking ghost on the front lawn!  (Vampire & Mockumentary & Ghosts)  ibid.  Laszlo    

 

134,425.  That looks like ectoplasm.  Am I right?  (Vampire & Mockumentary & Ghosts)  ibid.  Colin Robinson to ghost

 

134,426.  But without a body he is all Jeff an no Gregor.  And it stinks.  ibid.  (Vampire & Mockumentary & Ghosts)  ibid.  Nadja

 

134,427.  Could ghosts of us exists?  (Vampire & Mockumentary & Ghosts)  ibid.  Laszlo

 

134,428.  You are very sweet.  But you’re not my responsibility any more.  You are just a lovely guy that I had very strong sex with a few hundred thousand times.  And then my husband cut your head off.  Move on.  (Vampire & Mockumentary & Ghosts)  ibid.  Nadja to ghost of Gregor-Jeff

 

 

134,599.  We have been invited to a highly exclusive event.  We will be spending this Sunday evening at our neighbour Shawn’s Superb Owl [Super Bowl] Party.  (Vampire & Mockumentary & Party)  What We Do in the Shadows s2e3: Brain Scrambles, Nandor

 

134,600.  These poor women – they take a lovely handsome chap from the street, make him the husband, and then in the blink of an eye he becomes a big lazy sack of shit.  So sad.  (Vampire & Mockumentary & Husband)  ibid.  Nadja  

 

134,601.  It is now necessary to do the humane thing and rip Sean’s head off.  (Vampire & Mockumentary)  ibid.  Nandor to Laszlo

 

134,602.  You’re a mighty cool dude, Guillermo.  (Vampire & Mockumentary & Cool)  ibid.  head of vampire killers’ club    

 

 

134,603.  Here we are [lifts studded box].  I keep all of my correspondences from the past seven and half centuries in this box.  (Vampire & Mockumentary & Letters)  What We Do in the Shadows s2e4: The Curse, Nandor

 

134,604.  I’d say we’re fucked.  This light box [laptop] has cursed us.  (Vampire & Mockumentary & Curse)  ibid.  Lazlo to Nandor & Nadja  

 

 

134,605.  I think what’s happened is they’ve finally figured out that I don’t even know what this company does.  (Vampire & Mockumentary & Company)  What We Do in the Shadows s2e5: Colin’s Promotion, Colin summoned to boss’s office

 

134,606.  We’ve talked about it.  You’re supposed to support me when I want to kill someone.  (Vampire & Mockumentary & Kill)  ibid.  Nadja

 

 

134,771.  I now go by the name of Daytona.  Jackie Daytona.  And I’ll tell you something, Jackie Daytona’s life ain’t so bad.  Not bad at all.  (Vampire & Mockumentary & Disguise)  What We Do in the Shadows s2e6: On the Run, Laszlo

 

134,772.  I did however try to kiss the Nadja doll.  And it’s rejection stung.  (Vampire & Mockumentary & Kiss)  ibid.  Colin Robinson

 

 

134,773.  Nadja:  We have just returned from the Talkies.  

 

Laszlo:  They should never have added sound.  There’s pop music and people talking all the way through it.  (Vampire & Mockumentary & Film & Cinema)  What We Do in the Shadows s2e7: The Run

 

 

134,774.  I guess these Mixers started are a way for Familiars to network and exchange support techniques.  (Vampires & Mockumentary)  What We Do in the Shadows s2e8: Collaboration, Guillermo at monthly meeting

 

 

134,775.  From now on Guillermo will receive one day off per week.  Plus a fifteen minute break every four hours.  (Vampires & Mockumentary & Job)  What We Do in the Shadows s2e9: Witches, Nandor

 

 

134,776.  You guys need to clean up all these human juices.  (Vampires & Mockumentary)  What We Do in the Shadows s2e10: Nouveau Theatre des Vampires, Colin Robinson  

 

128,722.  The collapse of Britain’s entire transport system.  (Mockumentary & Transport & Disaster)  ibid. 

 

 

128,720.  On 19th December 2003 the failings of Britain’s transport system were exposed as never before.  Decades of neglect led to a day of disaster.  (Mockumentary & Transport & Disaster)  The Day Britain Stopped, BBC 2003

 

128,721.  ‘I really believe there’s no way we could have foreseen a chain reaction.’  (Mockumentary & Transport & Disaster)  ibid.  official 

 

 

132,242.  It [David Attenborough’s Climate Change  The Facts] was basically a snuff movie starring everyone on the planet.  All the animals and the ice and the forests and the oceans – everything – all the way down to the ants, probably.  (Mockumentary & Climate Science)  Cunk & Other Humans I: Our Planet Matters, BBC 2019

 

132,243.  Even I’ve noticed the weather’s been a bit weird this year, like its on shuffle mode, one minute it was colder than ever and then it was wetter than ever, then it was hotter than ever.  At one point the Amazon caught fire, which must have been a real blow to those people trying to chop it down.  (Mockumentary & Climate Science)  ibid.    

 

132,244.  Because she’s a Swedish schoolgirl that middle-aged men seem to hate, it’ll [her life film] basically be the opposite of the last forty or so Woody Allen films.   (Mockumentary & Climate Science)  ibid.

 

132,245.  It was a strange feeling seeing all these tiny children marching to demand a future.  It filled me with despair.   (Mockumentary & Climate Science)  ibid.

 

132,246.  But sometimes in a protest it’s important to do things that make absolutely no fucking sense and alienate everyone.   (Mockumentary & Climate Science)  ibid. 

 

 

132,247.  Jeffrey Epstein was this billionaire who was into sex with trafficked under-age girls, and he had lots of powerful friends like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton and Prince Andrew.  Anyway, this year Epstein died in a freak neck-tie accident while one of his prison guards was blinking for too long.  And his friendship with Prince Andrew was on everyone’s minds again.  (Mockumentary & Paedophilia)  Cunk & Other People on 2019 II

 

 

132,248.  In the past politicians had to pretend to be nice and friendly.  (Mockumentary & Politics)  Cunk & Other People on 2019 III

 

132,249.  Brexit: it’s torn people apart.  (Mockumentary & Brexit)  ibid.  

 

132,250.  Anyway, now they’re trying to impeach him [Trump]: which I think is some sort of skin treatment to make him the right colour again.  (Mockumentary & Trump)  ibid.

 

 

132,251.  The Lion King: the good thing is now we’ve got backup copies of all these animals, so when the environment goes to shit and all the real ones die, we can still go to the zoo in VR.  Literally, the only difference is going to be the bum-holes, and I can live with that.  (Mocumentary & Zoo & Cartoon)  Cunk & Other Humans on 2019 IV  

 

 

132,249.  Some people thought Theresa May looked awkward in her own skin, but I’m not convinced it was her own skin.  (Mockumentary & Skin)  Cunk & Other People on 2019 V    

 

 

132,250.  Earl on, Corbyn and Johnson had to go on this sort of game show … Corbyn had these off-putting glasses and Johnson was like a failed reboot of the Honeymonster making a court appearance.  (Mockumentary & Election)  Cunk & Other People on 2019 VI  

 

 

21,842.  I think torturing and murdering turned him on.  And I think these tapes are something of a homemade porn film.  (GBH Films & Gangstas: New York & Horror & Murder & Mockumentary)  The Poughkeepsie Tapes 2007 starring Stacy Chbosky & Ben Messmer & Bobbi Sue Luther & Samantha Robson & Ivar Brogger & Ron Harper & Iris Bahr et al, director John Eric Dowdle, Felton Lewis FBI profiler

 

21,843.  There are somewhere 25 and 50 active series killers in America alone.  (GBH Films & Gangstas: New York & Kill & Murder & Mockumentary)  ibid.  geezer

 

21,844.  They had been raped post-mortem.  (GBH Films & Gangstas: New York & Rape & Murder & Mockumentary)  ibid.  mortician

 

 

22,708.  Woody, a Soho hustler and fixer, agreed to be filmed for a week. (GBH Films & Gangstas: London & Mockumentary)  Pimp 2010 starring Robert Cavanah & Billy Boyd & Martin Compston & Gemma Chan & Corey Johnson & Scarlett Alice Johnson & Barbara Nedeljakova & Robert Fucilla & Danny Dyer & Wil Johnson, director Robert Cavanah

 

22,709.  Welcome to the Pole-Cat Club.  (GBH Films & Nightclub & Gangstas: London & Mockumentary)  ibid.  young Stan

 

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