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★ Masturbation

Masturbation: see Sex & Personality & Youth & Evolution & Abstinence & Body & Biology & Comedy & Religion & Morality & Penis & Men & Women & Comedy & Orgasm

Lily Tomlin - Penn & Teller TV - Frankie Boyle - The League of Gentlemen TV - Woody Allen & Everything You Always Wanted to Know about Sex 1972 & Annie Hall 1977 - Voltaire - Old Jews Telling Jokes & John Pleshette  TV - Genesis 38:8-10 - Leviticus 15:16&17 - Leviticus 20:2 - Leviticus 21:15 - Robert Clark - Mark Twain - Robert Anton Wilson - Chelsea Handler - George Carlin - Greyfort - Ray Donovan TV - Choke 2008 - Mae West - Christopher Hitchens - Evil Under the Sun 1982 - Mormon Declaration 1982 - Spencer W Kimball - Bill Hicks - The Office US TV - Zelig 1983 -   

 

 

6,065.  We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.  (Evolution & Masturbation)  Lily Tomlin
 

 

41,298.  There are health benefits to masturbate ... Masturbation is great fun and medically magical.  (Abstinence & Masturbation)  Penn & Teller, Bullshit: Abstinence s4e10

 

 

88,179.  I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think.  It made me think, Is there really nothing on the internet that I wouldn’t masturbate to?  (Masturbation & Iraq)  Frankie Boyle, Mock the Week

 

 

53,693.  In this house we don’t masturbate.  (Town & Comedy & Masturbation)  The League of Gentlemen: Welcome to Royston Vasey s1e1, host

 

 

53,699.  For ever indulging himself in the pleasures of the palm.  (Town & Comedy & Masturbation)  The League of Gentlemen: Nightmare in Royston Vasey s1e3, host

 

53,704.  Perhaps if you’d spent a little less time cavorting with Madam Palm and her five lovely daughters.  (Town & Comedy & Masturbation)  ibid.

 

 

53,714.  Host to wife and twins:  Think of the difficulties a son would provide – the nightmare of puberty.  Endless sessions in the bathroom as Junior shakes hot white coconuts from the veiny love tree.  Yes, we’re better off with Chloe and Radcliff.  (Town & Comedy & Masturbation)  The League of Gentlemen: Destination: Royston Vasey s2e1

 

 

80,572.  ‘What if he’s masturbating?  I’m liable to wind up on the ceiling.’  Everything You Always Wanted to Know about Sex 1972 starring Woody Allen & Jack Berry & John Carradine & Erin Fleming & Elaine Giftos & ToniHolt & Lou Jacobi & Louise Lasser & Robert Q Lewis & Lynn Redgrave & Burt Reynolds & Anthony Quayle & Sidney Miller et al, director Woody Allen, sperm to sperm

 

 

80,573.  I’m such a good lover because I practise a lot on my own.  Woody Allen

 

 

88,193.  Don’t knock masturbation.  It’s sex with someone I love.  Annie Hall 1977 starring Woody Allen & Diane Keaton & Tony Robers & Carol Kane & Paul Simon & Janet Margolin & Shelley Duvall & Christpher Walken & Colleen Dewhurst & Donald Symington et al, director Woody Allen, Woody

 

 

80,574.  It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it’s a pretty odd sort of chastity at that which leads men straight into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their colour.  Voltaire

 

 

80,575.  A guy goes to his doctor, and the doctor goes, ‘Look.  I don’t know how to tell you this but you just got to stop masturbating.’  The guy says, ‘Why?’  He says, ‘So I can examine you.'  Old Jews Telling Jokes 1/2, John Pleshette, born 1942 actor & director & screenwriter

 

 

80,576.  Lots of blokes I know say that women are actually very bad at that because they do it too hard and it hurts.  We know.  That’s why we do it.  Jo Brand, on stage

 

 

54,111.  And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother’s wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.

 

And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.

 

And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also.  (God's Fascism & Masturbation)  Genesis 38:8-10

 

 

80,578.  And if any man’s seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall wash all his flesh in water, and be unclean until the even.

 

And every garment, and every skin, whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be washed with water, and be unclean until the even.  Leviticus 15:16&17

 

 

80,579.  Again, thou shalt say to the children of Israel, Whosoever he be of the children of Israel, or of the strangers that sojourn in Israel, that giveth any of his seed unto Molech; he shall surely be put to death: the people of the land shall stone him with stones.  Leviticus 20:2

 

 

80,580.  Neither shall he profane his seed among his people: for I the Lord do sanctify him.  Leviticus 21:15

 

 

80,581.  Above all others I pity the homeless: where can they go to masturbate?  (Masturbation & Homelessness)  Robert Clark   

 

 

80,582.  The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable.  They are these: A disposition to eat, to drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke, and tell indelicate stories – and mainly, a yearning to paint pictures.  Mark Twain, On Masturbation

 

 

80,583.  Masturbation is not the happiest form of sexuality, but the most advisable for him who wants to be alone and think.  I detect the aroma of this pleasant vice in most philosophers, and a happily married logicians is almost a contradiction in terms.  So many sages have regarded Woman as temptress because fornication often leads to marriage, which usually leads to children, which always leads to a respectable job and pretending to believe the idiocies your neighbors believe.  The hypocrisy of the sages has been to conceal their timid onanism and call it celibacy.  Robert Anton Wilson, Nature's God  

 

 

80,584.  After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow.  It’s a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating.  Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands  

 

 

80,585.  If God had intended us not to masturbate, he would’ve made our arms shorter.  George Carlin, cited Strean Jokes: Their Purpose and Meaning 1993

 

 

81,472.  Toronto 1st Ward, on Fasting Testimony Day, in Sacrament Meeting: In tears, he says, ‘I know that ‘'m not worthy of all these beautiful Daughters of God, because I masturbate.’  (Mormon & Masturbation)  Greyfort, board post 15th December 2015 ‘What's the Craziest Thing You Ever Heard Said in Church?’

 

 

84,643.  If God didn't want us to jerk off, he would have given us shorter arms.  (Gangstas & Masturbation)  Ray Donovan: Handshake Deal s3e5, Mick

 

 

88,209.  By then he was masturbating fifteen times a week just to stay even.  (Sex & Masturbation)  Choke 2008 starring Sam Rockwell & Anjelica Huston & Jonah Bobo & Kelly MacDonald & Brad William Henke & Paz de la Huerta & Gillian Jacobs & Clark Gregg & Bijou Phillips et al, director Clark Gregg, opening remarks

 

 

88,219.  Good sex is like good bridge.  If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.  (Sex & Masturbation)  Mae West  

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