esias - Wilford Woodruff - The Latter-Day Saints’ Messenger & Advocate - hanger18 - Bellaluna - Sam-I Am - chanson - MadeGuy - Romulus - jim1 - sb - masonfree - adoylelb - Deluded - Templar - Arbella - Greyfort - hangar18 - Freeme - Southern ExoMo - John - Tricia - Smith Kennedy - Satan’s little helper - David - Stones - Deconstructor - Simon Southerton - Anonymous - Matthew Boyman - Boyd K Packer - The Drive - pretty amazed - smo - fh451 - awake now - KimberleyAnn - Always Thinking - Conceivable - thestyleguy - Clever Pup - ORFinn - 2thdoc - Debra - captainmorini - Tierza - David Bednar - First Presidency message - Cra@ig P@xton - Mail online - I Corinthians 15:29 - Rabbi Marvin Hier - National Public Radio Morning Edition - Ezra Taft Benson - Don Vogal - Brooke on Temples & Freemasonry - Mark A Scherer - Helen Radkey - Baura - Mormon Stories - anointed one - Jeffrey Holland - Franklin D Richards - Reed Durham - Jerald & Sandra Tanner - William Harris - Reed Smoot - W Grant Bangerter - James E Talmage - Carlos Asay - Temple Endowment Ceremony - The New York Times - David John Buerger - Warsaw Signal - Deconstructor - Gordon B Hinckley - lightfingerlouie - Antishock8 - Fanny Stenhouse - Church News - Randy J - Carol Y - Dietre F Uchtdorf - Gorspel Dacktrin - Wandle Mace - Joseph Smith - John Sweeney - Akexmo - JT - MMan - rm - silvergirl - lulu - Anon Regular Lurker - hopefulhusband - The Pueblo Chieftain - windsong - Nightingale - Tal Bachman - A Musing Grace - Stuck - Meet the Mormons TV - kimball - Elder - Lothar - M Russell Ballard - Odell Campbell - Missionary President’s leaflet -
38,168. Succumb to a Sacrament meeting and sense yourself slipping under a sea of soporific bullshit. esias
81,393. Joy McKinney, former Miss Wyoming, joined the Morg from the Appalachians. Her first devout act was to try and get off with Wayne Osmond. Rebuffed, she started a relationship with Kirk Anderson. When Kirk tried to end the affair, Joy stalked him around the US and harassed him so seriously he requested a posting overseas. The Morg’s response was to send him on a mission (where Hamlet was sent in the throes of madness) to England.
Joy hired a private detective, tracked him down and descended on London in tow with a young Keith May who seems to have been besotted with the free-wheeling Joy.
Naturally, Joy and Keith threatened Kirk with replica guns, bundled him into a car and carted him to a rented cottage, where he was held captive for three days. The London Evening News of 23rd November 1977 reported the committal proceedings at Epsom magistrates court:
‘A young Mormon missionary told today how an ex-beauty queen kidnapped him and then made love to him while he was chained to a bed in a lonely cottage.
‘Kirk Anderson, 21, said the girl, Joy McKinney, and her friend, Keith May, tied down his arms and legs with leather straps, padlocks, chains and rope, so that he was spreadeagled.
‘May then left the room while Miss McKinney tore off his blue silk pyjamas.
‘“She grabbed my pyjamas from just around my neck and tore them from my body. The chains were tight and I could not move. She proceeded to have intercourse. I did not want it to happen. I was very upset.”’
Joy McKinney was a tabloid star. Suddenly, little Britain discovered Mormon Big Love. Joy lapped the attention and London loved her. At a bail hearing, when it is not normally necessary to give evidence, Joy McKinney spilt the sexual beans. From the witness-box Joy spoke in a fabulously exotic Southern drawl and with no sense of shyness or inhibition. London 1977 was treated to the lurid details of Mormon Big Love Missionary Style.
‘Kirk has to be tied up to have an orgasm. I co-operated because I loved him and wanted to help him. Sexual bondage turns him on because he doesn't have to feel guilty. The thought of being powerless before a woman seems to excite him. I didn’t have to give him oral sex ... I did do it at his request because he likes it.’
And in her most famous phrase, she drawled: ‘I loved Kirk so much that I would have skied down Mount Everest in the nude with a carnation up my nose.’
The newspapers exploded. So did the magistrates. Joy McKinney was released on bail with a charge of kidnapping chained to her wrist (a charge of rape could not then brought when the victim, a man, seemed to enjoy being a sex slave; no-one in the country seemed to give a toss about the alleged victim).
Joyce McKinney, London’s hottest star, did a runner. The trial was set for May 1978, but Joy jumped bail, fled the country and arrived in America via Ireland and Canada. Without sub-judice restrictions the gutter press printed every salacious details including her not-so Mormon career in soft porn.
Joy McKinney was later identified by the Salt Lake Tribune in August 2008 as one Bernann McKinney, gaining further fame by buying five cloned pitbulls of her dead dog Booger. (Mormons & Sex & Kidnap & Missionary) esias, board re-post 1st April 2012 original, ‘Male Mormon Missionary Kidnapped for a Sex Slave!’
38,136. Speaking and interpreting of tongues was manifest in the Congregation. One brother sung a lengthy song in tongues & sister Hide interpreted the same. It was great & glorious. Much of it was respecting the fame of Joseph and his magnus works. (Mormons & Speaking in Tongues) Wilford Woodruff, diary entry 20th April 1837
38,137. ... but we would have you forsake all your loud laughter which is always indicative of an empty mind, and as we have before remarked, is calculated to grieve the Holy Spirit and make it withdraw, leaving you to the influence of that spirit which lures but to destroy. (Mormons & Laughter) The Latter-Day Saints’ Messenger and Advocate May 1836 vol 2 no 8 p306
37,215. Have you ever noticed that every building owned by the Church smells the same? The ‘mormon smell’ is found in every ward building, stake center, temple, visitors center, conference center, the Tabernacle, the MTC, BYU, Deseret Book, the DI, and even City Creek. I've noticed the homes of ultra-TBMs even start to smell this way. What is it?
Is it the white-painted cinderblock? Is it the scent of baby spit-up and crushed Cheerios ground into the cheap carpet? Is it the chemicals that untrained TBMs use to clean the building each week? Is it the smell of old men who forgot to wash their white shirts on Saturday? Is it the pile of dirty diapers filling the trash cans? Where the hell does the mormon smell come from? (Mormons & Smell) hanger18, board post 26th November 2013
38,170. One of our Bishop’s counsellors was announcing that there were old garden tools in the meetinghouse shed that were free for the taking. He was suggesting that some of us take them home and get our youth doing ‘garden service projects’ for the widows and single mothers.
‘For example,’ he said, ‘Every young man should have a hoe. They come in very handy and are most useful. We have several for free. Just come and get them.’ Bellaluna, board post ‘Every Young Man Needs a Ho’
38,171. Finally he got to the topic of facial hair. As he was spouting off about the wickedness of facial hair and its implications of non-conformity, he suddenly asked me to stand up. Out of shock and without thinking I stood up.
Looking straight at me (as was everyone else) he told me to shave ‘that disgusting thing off’. Stunned I just sat down. After a few more minutes of senseless haranguing by the ‘loving bishop’ I rose to my feet so everyone would see me, stared at the bastard in a hard angry glare. It froze him for a few seconds, stopping him in mid-sentence.
I should have said something, but I was extremely angry. I just walked down the pew, out the door as the entire congregation was stone silent. Sam – I Am, board post ‘I Had a Wicked Beard!’
38,173. This is how it worked: All the 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th grade kids in the ward would get up at 5 in the morning and drive to the home of whichever member of the ward was unfortunate enough to have the calling of seminary teacher. This is almost always the mother of one of the seminary students (since who else would agree to do it?). The class was opened and closed with prayer like any other Mormon meeting. For the curriculum, each of the four years of seminary was devoted to one of the four standard works: Book of Mormon, New Testament, Old Testament, and Church History (with Doctrine & Covenants and Peal of Great Price). There weren’t enough students to have a separate class for each grade, so which of the four books you get first depends on what year you start. chanson, board post ‘Would You Like to Hear About Early Morning Seminary?’
38,174. One Sunday in High Priests Quorum, close to the end of my tenure as a believing Mormon, one of the counselors brought a list with him. It was a list of those Elders and High Priests who have not been attending, and we were supposed to tell what we knew about each one as he read down the list. Then he wanted us to think of ways to get them back to church so they could share the blessings that we worthless pieces of shit were hogging up for ourselves. He was kind enough to mention that the list was a ‘no contact’ list, and as he read the names I felt a kind of disconnectedness. Who are all these people? Only a couple of the names could I connect to a face. As he read, I gazed around the table at the faces of the glory-bound sons of bitches I knew only as Brother this or Brother that. I realized I hardly knew them either, and what was worse, they hardly knew me. MadeGuy, board post 13th August 2008, ‘Mormons in Denial about Low Activity Rate’
38,175. There was a youth speaker listed on the program but it was apparent that she didn’t come to church so the first counselor asked that her class President come up to the pulpit and bear her testimony since the first girl didn’t show up. A young lady about fifteen years old stood up and walked to the front and in essence said that they were trying to reactivate the girl who was supposed to give the talk but that she must have ‘forgot or something’. She said that this girl and her family haven’t been to church for three or four years and she had hoped that by assigning the girl the talk that she would have shown up. So instead she was going to bear her testimony of missionary work and how important it is.
The next speaker was a man who obviously prepared his talk while he was shaving this morning. His assigned topic was the importance of temple work and ways we can motivate ourselves to go twice a month. He listed things like not eating dessert until you have attended the temple, only having enough gas in your car to drive to the temple and not filling up until after you attend, saving your favorite or special outfit or shirt for temple days and only wearing it when you go. This way if you have a designer shirt or dress, or a name brand jacket, you can wear it more often if you attend the temple. He closed his talk that he knows there are people on the other side of the veil who are waiting for their names to be processed so they can enjoy the gospel like us on the earth.
The special musical number was sung by four Primary-aged kids who sang I Love to See the Temple.
The concluding speaker was the High Counselor assigned to the Ward. He gave a thirty-minute rambling oration about nothing in particular. Topics covered included: temple work, the traditional family, tithing, the last days, and of course missionary work. The only thing I took away from his talk is that the Stake Presidency is developing a new plan to help the missionary work in the Stake. There will be further announcements about the plan over the next few weeks and then the plan will be introduced at a special fireside in December.
During the services I looked around and saw that out of about 120 people in attendance there were only about fifteen people listening. People were snoozing/resting their heads on the bench in front of them, playing with their Blackberries, scratching each other’s backs, or looking around aimlessly. And none of the speakers referred to their scriptures once during their talks or mentioned Christ either. Romulus, board post 19th October 2008 ‘I Decided to Check Out Church This Morning – Report’
38,176. Here are a couple of awkward moments in the ward I grew up in –
The priest was blessing the sacrament at a missionary farewell. He looked up at the bishop to see the bishop shaking his head that he screwed up. The priest yelled in the microphone – Oh Shit!
A member got up to bear his testimony with a shot gun. He said no one move, I am going to take up the whole meeting and everyone is going to sit and listen or else!