The special musical number was sung by four Primary-aged kids who sang I Love to See the Temple.
The concluding speaker was the High Counselor assigned to the Ward. He gave a thirty-minute rambling oration about nothing in particular. Topics covered included: temple work, the traditional family, tithing, the last days, and of course missionary work. The only thing I took away from his talk is that the Stake Presidency is developing a new plan to help the missionary work in the Stake. There will be further announcements about the plan over the next few weeks and then the plan will be introduced at a special fireside in December.
During the services I looked around and saw that out of about 120 people in attendance there were only about fifteen people listening. People were snoozing/resting their heads on the bench in front of them, playing with their Blackberries, scratching each other’s backs, or looking around aimlessly. And none of the speakers referred to their scriptures once during their talks or mentioned Christ either. Romulus, board post 19th October 2008, ‘I Decided to Check Out Church This Morning – Report’
Here are a couple of awkward moments in the ward I grew up in –
The priest was blessing the sacrament at a missionary farewell. He looked up at the bishop to see the bishop shaking his head that he screwed up. The priest yelled in the microphone – Oh Shit!
A member got up to bear his testimony with a shot gun. He said no one move, I am going to take up the whole meeting and everyone is going to sit and listen or else!
A member of our ward was a little mentally unstable. Whenever anyone finished a talk or prayer, he would scream amen as loud as possible.
A member of the bishopric was giving a speech. He paused and then feinted and hit the floor. Lucky there was a doctor in the ward to help him.
A new member moved into the ward. In priesthood they asked him to introduce himself. He said his name and then said he was grateful to be in the ward because we were all white and there were no other races. Awkward. jim1, board post 23rd August 2011, ‘Awkward Moment in Church’
Moultrie GA ward, 1997: EQP (70 years old) gets up and announces that he got a telescope recently and he saw Kolob. ‘It is a speck closest to the sun.’ He felt privileged to count himself in the short-list of those who have seen Kolob.
Quincy, FL: 1996: A mentally handicapped young man, Jeff, who likes to bear his testimony at every occasion gets up while a new very large and well- endowed African-American woman is bearing her first ever testimony. Jeff, sidles up to her and hugs her, then makes his move and reaches in her shirt and gets a handful; at the pulpit the woman not knowing the protocol allows it to happen and mumbles: I love you too ...
Mesa, AZ 2000ish: A SS teacher, who would later be convicted of plotting the murder of the sheriff and governor, explains that AZ used to be a much different and peaceful place before the Lamanites came, because before that it was ‘just Nephites’.
Tallahassee, FL 1998: A missionary gets up and announces his love and engagement to the bishop's 14 year old daughter. This is news to everyone except the girl, who walks up to the podium as her dad tries to restrain her.
North Salt Lake, UT: 2010. A registered child sex offender, one of 4 active in the Elder’s Quorum, is teaching a lesson on repentance, he says: Don’t let guilt keep you from coming to church; just because you looked at a ‘couple of things’ does not mean that you were ‘supposed to be perfect’. sb, board post 15th December 2014, ‘What’s the Craziest Thing You Ever Heard Said in Church?’
In Elders’ Quorum meeting, soon after Hurricane Katrina had killed a large number of people in New Orleans and on the Gulf Coast, a quorum member said (paraphrasing the gist of it from 10 years ago):
‘I’ve seen them. Those people down there in New Orleans were becoming very wicked. Looks like the Lord decided to punish them for their sins by destroying their city.’
Even as a TBM after hearing the above I wanted to vomit. It was just so insensitive, cruel, and judgmental. Later I wondered why I couldn’t see that I was applying a different standard to disasters from the BoM than I would to disasters from real life. Of course, none of the disasters in the book, had I been honest with myself about this side of it, felt even a little bit real to me. It’s confusing, isn’t it.
Of course, isn’t travelling through the land of confusion sometimes the price of ascending the peaks of sanity on the other side? masonfree, board post 15th December 2014, ‘What’s the Craziest Thing You Ever Heard Said in Church?’
For me, the craziest thing was on a Sunday in October 2001, in Sunday Sacrament. Some lady said that the attacks that September were a blessing because it meant that the Middle East would be opened to missionaries being sent. adoylelb, board post 15th December 2014, ‘What’s the Craziest Thing You Ever Heard Said in Church?’
From a women in fast and testimony meeting: ‘Satan was so powerful he even tempted me at the temple. I was sitting in the temple getting ready for a session and Satan kept giving me bad thoughts ... You know immoral ones ... about a certain male part ... OK, putting on my mind images of a penis. I had to pray real hard for God to take it out of my mind.’ Deluded, board post 15th December 2014, ‘What’s the Craziest Thing You Ever Heard Said in Church?’
When I was a teenager in Salt Lake I recall some guy that came to a youth meeting and told us how Satan followed him when he left the temple. He said that it was snowing, but the devil was in shirt sleeves.
Satan kept following him after he told him to not bother him. When he didn’t, the guy said he raised his arm to the square and in the name of Jesus Christ commanded the devil to depart. He said the devil immediately disappeared because he cannot oppose anything done in Jesus’ name.
The guy then told us that Satan is real and will try to stop us from doing temple work whenever he can. Templar, board post 15th December 2014, ‘What’s the Craziest Thing You Ever Heard Said in Church?’
Alabama in the ’70s: The Branch President was conducting in Sacrament Meeting and when giving the announcements he said, ‘For anyone wondering, the latest news on the n-----s is ...’ I don’t know what he said after that because I was in shock. I had just moved there from Utah I guess I had never heard that word said, especially from the stand. Arabella, board post 15th December 2014, ‘What’s the Craziest Thing You Ever Heard Said in Church?’
Toronto 1st Ward, on Fasting Testimony Day, in Sacrament Meeting: In tears, he says, ‘I know that I’m not worthy of all these beautiful Daughters of God, because I masturbate.’ Greyfort, board post 15th December 2015, ‘What's the Craziest Thing You Ever Heard Said in Church?’
There was one grandmotherly lady who would bear her testimony about some wonder supplement (from a pyramid scheme) and how it was able to cure cancer, diabetes, obesity, and every other ailment. She apparently used her entire life savings to stockpile this supplement because the Spirit told her to, and urged everyone to purchase some from her because it was God’s will. The sad part is, I think a lot of people did.
Another lady who was running for city council urged everyone to vote for her. She rambled on about her qualifications and would belittle her opponent right there on the stand.
Another man would break out into song every time he got up, and he seriously sounded exactly like Kermit the Frog. My brother and I would start laughing every time he got up much to my parent’s displeasure. I kept hoping he would sing ‘Rainbow Connection’.
The bishop would just sit there and allow these loonies to speak without interrupting them. hangar18, board post 21st October 2013, ‘What’s the Craziest Thing You Ever Heard Said in Fast & Testimony Meeting?’
A woman stood up in my childhood ward and SANG her ‘testimony’ loud and spooky and off-key and powerful! Her song was impromptu and stated, basically, that the devil was flying through our neighborhood destroying families. Then she started singing about individual families. About affairs and divorces and rebelling teens. It was AMAZING! I’ll never forget it. I bet my jaw was on the floor lol! I wish I had looked around at the faces ... or that if I did, that I remembered what they looked like.
Another time, as an adult, a guy stood up, (he was a little on the crazy side), and started rattling off numbers and sequences of numbers and a history of dates of important moments in history. And when he joined the church and when this happened and that happened. He was totally into numbers ... big time! THEN he started swearing the big swear words and using numbers as proof that the bishop was a bad guy. He was escorted out of the chapel ... swearing and calling the bishop to repentance the whole way.
Maybe my favorite was when my husband bore his testimony, and a man approached him afterwards and told him that he was Jesus come again ... and that my husband would someday be president of the United States. Freeme, board post 21 October 2013, ‘What’s the Craziest Thing You Ever Heard Said in Fast & Testimony Meeting?’
It was not uncommon, back when I lived in Memphis, to have somebody get up there and claim that Elvis was being taught by the missionaries, and had he not died when he did, that he would have been baptized.
But I actually heard one guy claim that he was at Elvis’ baptism.
Another time, somebody claimed that the Holy Spirit told him that if Elvis had not died when he did, that he would be a Bishop by now!
Another claimed that he was on splits with the midtown elders when he and the missionary he was paired up with went to teach Elvis, and that Elvis was really gung-ho TSCC. And he was so sorry that Elvis didn’t get dunked before he died.
Folks down in Memphis are Elvis crazy, and when you combine that with being Morg crazy, the result is all kinds of F&T claims about Elvis. Southern ExMo, board post 21st October 2013, ‘What’s the Craziest Thing You Ever Heard Said in Fast & Testimony Meeting?’