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1. But folks I have to tell you in the bullshit department a businessman can’t hold a candle to a clergyman. Because when it comes to bullshit, bigtime major-league bullshit, you have to stand in awe – in awe – of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims – Religion. No contest. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people, many of them adults, that there’s an invisible man who lives in the sky and watches everything they do, every minute of every day, and has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send you to remain and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry for ever and ever to the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money. He always needs money. He is all-powerful, all perfect, all-knowing and all-wise, somehow he just can’t handle money. Religion takes in billions of dollars, pays no taxes and somehow they always need a little more. Now you talk about a good bullshit story – holy shit! (God & Elohim & Religion & Tithing & Money & Belief & Faith & Hell & Life’s Like That & Comedy & Bullshit & Clergy) George Carlin, Napalm and Silly Putty audio
2. I make fun of people who are religious because I think they are fundamentally weak. But I want you to know that on a personal level when it comes to believing in God I tried. I mean I really really tried. I tried to believe that there’s a God who created us in his own image, loves us very much, then keeps a close eye on things. I tried to believe it. But I gotta tell you, the longer you live, and the more you look around, the more you realise something is fucked up. Something is wrong. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kind of stuff you’d expect from the office temp with a bad attitude. In any well managed universe this guy would have been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. So if there is a God, if there is, I think reasonable people might agree he is at least incompetent and maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t give a shit. Which I admire in a person. And which would explain a lot of his results. (Comedy & God & Elohim & Religion & Belief & Faith & Life’s Like That) George Carlin, More Napalm and Silly Putty
3. If there is a God may he strike this audience dead. (God & Religion & Miracle & Audience) George Carlin on stage
4. If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him. (God & Elohim & Religion & Belief & Faith & Life’s Like That & Kill) George Carlin
5. God excuse: the last refuge of man with no answers and no argument – it came from God! (God & Excuse & Argument) George Carlin
321. If it’s true that we’re all from the center of a star, every atom of us from the center star, then we’re all the same thing ... all been recycled thousands of times ... therefore it’s only me out there. So what is there to be afraid of? What is there that needs solace-seeking? Nothing. There’s nothing to be afraid of because it’s all us. The trouble is, we have been separated by being born and given a name, an identity, being individuated. We’ve been separated from the oneness and that’s what religion exploits – that people have this yearning to be part of the overall one again – so they exploit that, they call it God, they say he has rules, and I think that’s cruel. I think you do it absent religion. (Religion & God & Universe & Nothing & Self & Cosmology & Astronomy) George Carlin
4,929. Folks, I hate to spoil your fun but there is no such thing as rights, OK? They’re imaginary, we made them up like the Boogie Man ... cute and fictional ... Where do they come from? ... If your rights came from God, He would have given you the right to some food every day, and He would have given you the right to a roof over your head – God would have been looking out for you. (Rights & God & Human Rights) George Carlin
94,103. I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It’s there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There’s no mystery; no one asks for money; I don’t have to dress up, and there’s no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to ‘God’ are all answered at about the same 50% rate. (Worship & Sun & God & Prayer & Gods) George Carlin, Brain Droppings
6. The more you begin to investigate what we think we understand, where we came from, what we think we’re doing, the more you begin to see we’ve been lied to – we’ve been lied to by every institution. What makes you thing for one minute that the religious institution is the only one that’s never been touched? The religious institutions of this world are at the bottom of the dirt. The religious institutions in this world are put there by the same people who gave you your government, your corrupt education, who set up your international banking cartels. Because our masters don’t give a damn about you or your family; all they care about is what they’ve always cared about – and that is controlling the whole damned world. We have been misled away from the true and divine presence in the universe that men have called God. I don’t know what God is, but I know what he isn’t – and unless and until you are prepared to look at the whole truth, wherever it may go, wherever it may lead to – if you want to look the other way, if you want to play favourites, then somewhere along the line you’re going to find out you’re messing with divine justice. The more you educate yourself, the more you understand where things come from, the more obvious things become and you begin to see lies everywhere. You have to know the truth and seek the truth and the truth will set you free. (God & Truth & Religion) Jordan Maxwell, televised interview
7. God is going to do whatever He’s going to do, but just make sure you don’t get in the way, thinking you are doing something wonderful and come to find out, No, you are part of the problem. You haven’t done your homework ... I am totally convinced that there is a very powerful divine presence in the universe that I myself refer to as God. I don’t know what God is but I know what He isn’t. And consequently I have a high respect for that divine presence in the universe, and I think we need to get in tune with it: ’cause that’s the only thing that’s going to save us. (God & Truth & Religion) Jordan Maxwell, lecture The Illuminati
8. We for a certainty are not the first
Have sat in taverns while the tempest hurled
Their hopeful plans to emptiness, and cursed
Whatever brute and blackguard made the world.
It is in truth iniquity on high
To cheat our sentenced souls of aught they crave,
And mar the merriment as you and I
Fare on our long fool’s-errand to the grave.
(God & Grave & Alcohol & Pub) A E Housman, Poem IX stanzas III & IV
9. Who made the world I cannot tell; ’tis made, and here am I in hell. My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, I never soiled with such a deed. (God & World & Hell) A E Housman
10. Say, for what were hop-yards meant,
Or why was Burton built on Trent?
Oh many a peer of England brews
Livelier liquor than the Muse,
And malt does more than Milton can
To justify God’s ways to man.
Ale, man, ale’s the stuff to drink
For fellows whom it hurts to think. (God & Alcohol & Beer & Milton & Think) A E Housman, A Shropshire Lad
1,056. And how am I to face the odds,
Of man’s bedevilment and God’s?
I, a stranger and afraid
In a world I never made. (Life’s Like That & God & World & Odds) A E Housman, Last Poems, 1922
15. Simply put, they want a human God to eliminate all risk from their life. Pat them on the head, kiss their bruises, put a chicken on every dinner table, clothe their bodies, tuck them into bed at night, and tell them that everything will be all right when they wake up in the morning. This public demand is incredible. Bill Cooper, Behold a Pale Horse
16. They have ruled from the shadows, you see. And they call themselves the Guardians of the Secrets of the Ages. And their first religion was called astrotheology. Or the worship of the heavens. And their first object of worship was the Sun. The second object of worship was the Moon. And everywhere you see the mystery school of the ancient religion you will see the symbols of the sun and the moon also known as Osiris and Isis. For the religion of the mystery schools they believe that man was held prisoner in the Garden of Eden by an unjust and vindictive God. And that man was not told by this unjust and vindictive God that he could have the same powers. And man was set free from the bonds of ignorance by Lucifer and his agent Satan, and many believe that the two are the same ... And that through the gift of intellect man may become God. (God & Religion & Mystery Schools & Satan) Bill Cooper
17. That God does not exist, I cannot deny. That my whole being cries out for God I cannot forget. (God & Atheism) Jean-Paul Sartre
18. God is absence. God is the solitude of man. (God & Absence & Solitude) Jean-Paul Sartre