It’s great being a priest, isn’t it, Ted? Father Ted s1e1: Good Luck, Father Ted, Dougal, Channel 4 1995
Oh wait till I tell you, Ted. Funland’s coming to Craggy Island. It’ll be here Saturday. ibid. Dougal
[awakes] How did that gobshite get on the television? ibid.
[gets in bed] Dougal: Did you ever want to get into television yourself, Ted?
Ted: Ah no I wouldn’t be interested in that kind of thing really. ibid.
Tom: Father, I’ve killed a man.
Ted: Well, Tom, I’ll have to talk to you about that later. I’m doing an interview for television! ibid.
Heaven, Hell and everlasting life and all that – you’re not meant to take it seriously, Ted. ibid. Dougal
So God, does He really exist? I mean, who knows? I don’t know. I mean personally I don’t even believe in organised religion. ibid. Dougal’s television interview
Ted: Three wishes? I don’t know really. Well I suppose the first thing would be world peace. And then maybe an end to hunger. And er [dreams of being disco king] … more money for hospitals, that kind of thing. Father Ted s1e2: Entertaining Father Stone
Are you sure you won’t have some tea, Paul?
No, I’m fine. ibid.
Ted: Now, Dougal, don’t over-react … It’s Father Stone ... Get up … I know. I tried but it’s like talking to a wall with a moustache. Those awful protracted silences. ibid.
Craggy Island Crazy Golf. £1. Members 50p. ibid. sign blown over by downpour
Ted: Crazy golf, Paul, not exactly the US Masters … Will you have a go, Paul? It’s great fun, isn’t it, Douglas. Give it a real go . Go on it’s even easier with the windmill’s not in the way. There you go. Give it a real go, what’s the worse thing that can happen?
… [Paul holds golfing iron aloft & gets hit by lightning] … ibid.
I asked Him to intervene in some way. But this is a bit much. ibid. Ted to Dougal after Father Stone struck by lightning on Crazy Golf course
We think it’s a combination of Babysham and Harpic. ibid. hospital doctor
He worships you, Father. He comes back from Craggy Island and he’s counting the days till he can go back again. He has a chart and he crosses out the days … ibid. Paul’s mother to Father Ted in hospital
Old women are closer to God than we’ll ever be. They get to that age and they don’t need the operator any more. They’ve got the direct line. ibid. Father Ted to Dougal
[Ted playing Cluedo]: I must say, I miss the noise and the lights and the whole buzz of the big city.
Brother Hernandez: You were in Wexford, weren’t you? Father Ted s1e3: The Passion of St Tibulus
How’s the son? ibid. Dougal to Bishop Brennan
You went to Las Vegas while that poor child was meant to be in Lourdes. ibid. Bishop Brennan to Ted
The first all-priests’ Stars in Their Eyes Look-alike Competition I thought I had a chance of winning. Father Ted s1e4: Competition Time
Ted: The Pope is God’s representative on Earth, Dougal.
Dougal: You’d think he’d be taller. ibid.
I didn’t think you’d like that sort of thing. I read a bit of one of them once. God, I couldn’t finish it – the language! Unbelievable. It’s a bit much for me, Father – feck this and feck that. Ya big bastard. Oh dreadful language. Ya big hairy arse, you big fecker. Fierce stuff. And of course the F word, Father … Bastard this and bastard that. You can’t move for the bastards in her novels. It’s wall to wall bastards. Father Ted s1e5: And God Created Woman, Mrs Doyle to Ted
So then you’re a nun … Father Ted s1e6: Grant Unto Him Eternal Rest, Dougal’s conversation
The holy stone was up there [Fermanagh] but it wasn’t doing great business. ibid. Ted
Imagine the damage floor polish would do you. ibid. Ted
He’s very definitely dead. ibid. Nun to Ted & Dougal, re Jack
Half a million pounds. ibid. Ted reads Jack’s will
The first priest to denounce The Beatles. ibid. Dougal, re Jack
Do you believe in an afterlife? Oh, I wish I had your faith, Ted. ibid. Dougal to Ted
Apparently not. The floor polish brought about all the symptoms of death such as no heartbeat, rigor mortis, decomposition. But he was lucky – the effects just wore off him. ibid. Ted to Dougal
I wouldn’t know, Ted, ya big bollocks. Father Ted s2e1: Hell, Dougal
Didn’t our Lord himself on the cross pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world? ibid. Mrs Doyle
I think we can get something. Under the rules of the diocese, we’re allowed a raffle prize every couple of years … I’ve been looking up the records and the island hasn’t been given anything to raffle since those two bags of coal in 1964. I think we’re entitled under the rules of the diocese … What if we organised the raffle so that we won it? Then we could bring the car back. It wouldn’t be cheating really … Father Ted s2e2: Think Fast, Father Ted, Ted
Gary Lineker’s Book of Ghost Stories. Father Ted s2e3: Tentacles of Doom, Dougal’s book
That’s the great thing about Catholicism – it’s so vague and nobody really knows what it’s all about. ibid. Ted
The whole religion thing – I just don’t buy it. ibid. Bishop sees the light
God, Ted, I heard about those cults – everyone dressing in black and saying Our Lord’s going to come back and judge us all. Father Ted s2e4: Old Grey Whistle Theft, Dougal
Ted, do you mind if I put on my record? I’ve got Eurosong fever, Ted. Father Ted s2e5: A Song for Europe, Dougal
Well, Ted, Biker Grove. Father Ted: The Plague s2e6, Dougal & Ted watch television
The Pope closed down a lot of the factories that were making the potatoes and turned them into prisons for children. Father Ted s2e7: Rock-a-Hula Ted, pop star on TV
She seems to be taking the whole Catholic thing a bit seriously, Ted. I mean, it’s just a bit of a laugh. ibid. Dougal
Ted: Men don’t wear perfume.
Dougal: Except Father Bigley. ibid.
Ted, I’m off roller-blading. Father Ted 2e8: Cigarettes & Alcohol & Rollerblading, Dougal
And that’s what this is – a giving things up competition. ibid. Ted
I’m not even thinking about smoking. ibid.
Mrs Doyle: They were a bit obsessed with the old S-E-X. God, I’m glad I never think of that type of thing, Father. That whole sexual world. God, when you think of it it’s a dirty filthy thing, isn’t it, Father? Can you imagine, Father: looking up at your husband and him standing over you with his lad in his hand wanting you to degrade yourself. God almighty, can you imagine that, Father? Can you picture there, Father? ibid.
Ted: The poor really got on his nerves.
Dougal: And the needy. Father Ted s2e9: New Jack City, re Jack
We’re going to kidnap Jack from Saint Clabbert’s. ibid. Ted
Dougal: It must be the holiest shrine in the world.
Ted: Top ten anyway. Father Ted s2e10: Flight Into Terror
Father Fluffy Bottom. ibid. Ted’s nickname
What’s it all about, Dougal? No, Dougal. I mean Life. Father Ted Christmas Special: A Christmassy Ted, Ted
We have eight priests hanging around the lingerie section … We’re talking national scandal. ibid.
Funny how you get more right wing as you get older. Father Ted s3e1: Are You All Right There Father Ted? Ted to Nazi priest
Ted: There’s a G in Dougal.
Dougal: Where? ibid.
There’s a Chinatown in Craggy Island? ibid.
I hear you’re a racist now, Father? ibid. Coln
Fascists dress in black and go round telling people what to do. ibid.