Joan Rivers TV - Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life 1983 - Father Ted TV - Samuel Butler - William Shakespeare - Limericks - The Sopranos TV - Snatch 2000 - Boogie Nights 1997 - Star Trek: The Next Generation TV - Hacks 2011- Deuteronomy 23:1 - Deluded - Quest for the Holy Foreskin TV - Dave Spikey - Rab C Nesbitt TV - Woody Allen & Manhattan 1979 - J G Ballard - Mark Bright - Laurence Sterne - The Office US TV - Peaky Blinders TV - Ray Donovan TV - Viz magazine -
132,377. Don’t swallow sperm. 148 calories a swallow – New York Times. Or if you go on Weight Watchers – two points. (Comedy & Penis) Joan Rivers, Don’t Start With Me, Netflix 2012
132,379. 36 hour erections and these poor old dried out old wives, and these guys on top of them – in and out, in and out, in and out – they’re gonna catch them on fire! Yes! That’s what happened two years ago in Malibu. (Comedy & Penis & Sex & Old Age) ibid.
84,835. Father [singing]: Every sperm is sacred. Every sperm is great. If a sperm is wasted. God gets quite irate. Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life 1983 starring Graham Chapman & John Cleese & Terry Gilliam & Eric Idle & Terry Jones & Michael Palin & Carol Cleveland & Patricia Quinn & Judy Loe & Simon Jones & Matt Frewer & Jane Leeves et al, director Terry Jones
2,240. Lady Presenter: Well that’s the end of the film. Now, here’s the Meaning of Life [receives envelope]. Thank you, Brigitte [opens envelope]. Mhmmm. Well it’s nothing very special. Uh, try to be nice to people. Avoid eating fat. Read a good book every now and then. Get some walking in. And try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations. And, finally, here are some completely gratuitous pictures of penises to annoy the sponsors and hopefully spark some sort of controversy. (Meaning of Life & Penis) ibid.
129,225. Mrs Doyle: God, I’m glad I never think of that type of thing, Father. That whole sexual world. God, when you think of it it’s a dirty filthy thing, isn’t it, Father? Can you imagine, Father: looking up at your husband and him standing over you with his lad in his hand wanting you to degrade yourself. God almighty, can you imagine that, Father? (Comedy & Penis & Sex & Catholic) Father Ted s2e8: Cigarettes & Alcohol & Rollerblading
4,579. The three most important things a man has are, briefly, his private parts, his money, and his religious opinions. (Man & Penis & Money & Religion) Samuel Butler, English novelist 1835 -1902
84,844. The horn, the horn, the lusty horn
Is not a thing to laugh to scorn. William Shakespeare, As You Like It IV ii 18, Lords (singing)
4,611. A horned man’s a monster and a beast. (Man & Penis & Monster & Beast) William Shakespeare, Othello IV i 60, Othello
79,377. There was a young man from Savannah
Who died in a curious manner:
He whittled a hole
In a telephone pole
And electrified his banana. (Limerick & Penis) Anonymous
79,378. There was a young gal name of Sally
Who loved an occasional dally.
She sat on the lap
Of a well-endowed chap
Crying, ‘Gee, Dick, you’re right up my alley!’ (Limerick & Penis) Anonymous
18,921. If you’re one of the thousands of men who suffer from erectile dysfunction you already know it’s no laughing matter. (Gangstas: New Jersey & Penis) The Sopranos: Amour Fou s3e12 starring James Gandolfini & Lorriane Bracco & Edie Falco & Michael Imperioli & Dominic Chianese & Steven van Zandt & Tony Sirico & Robert Iler et al, doctor
20,170. So, you’re obviously the Big Dick. Now the other side of you are your balls. And there are two types of balls. There are big brave balls and there are little mincy faggot balls. Dicks have drive and clarity of vision. But they’re not clever. They smell pussy and they want a piece of the action. (GBH Films & Penis) Snatch 2000 ***** starring Brad Pitt & Vinnie Jones & Jason Statham & Stephen Graham & Alan Ford & Dennis Farina & Adam Fogerty & Mike Reid & Vinnie Jones et al, director Guy Ritchie, Tony to three robbers in pub
20,681. Jack says you’ve got a great big cock. (GBH Films & Penis) Boogie Nights 1997 starring Mark Wahlberg & Burt Reynolds & Julianne Moore & Don Cheadle & John C Reilly & William H Macy & Heather Graham & Luiz Guzman & Philip Seymour Hoffmann & Philip Baker Hall et al, director Paul Thomas Anderson, financier
24,426. Commander, tell me about your sexual organs. (Star Trek & Penis) Star Trek: The Next Generation: The Outcast s5e17, alien bird to Riker
45,161. Female Hack: I’ve seen more of Ashley’s cock than Cheryl has. Max, Max, we’ve got computers full of Ashley’s cock; we’ve had to install more memory to cope with it. No, it’s always that shape. (Press & Newspaper & Penis) Hacks 2011 starring Kayvan Novak & Nigel Planer & Phil Davis, writer & director Guy Jenkin, Channel 4 2012
84,836. He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord. (also God’s Fascism) Deuteronomy 23:1
81,469. From a women in fast and testimony meeting: ‘Satan was so powerful he even tempted me at the temple. I was sitting in the temple getting ready for a session and Satan kept giving me bad thoughts ... You know immoral ones ... about a certain male part ... OK, putting on my mind images of a penis. I had to pray real hard for God to take it out of my mind.’ (Mormon & Penis) Deluded, board post 15th December 2014 ‘What’s the Craziest Thing You Ever Heard Said in Church?’
84,837. Eight days after his birth Jesus of Nazareth was circumcised. During the Middle Ages the Holy Foreskin of Christ became one of the most important relics in Christendom. (Penis & Relic) Quest for the Holy Foreskin, National Geographic 2013
84,838. Then in 1983 international newspapers reported it had been stolen. (Penis & Relic) ibid.
84,839. By the twentieth century the Church had grown embarrassed by the Holy Foreskin. (Penis & Relic) ibid.
84,840. Lord! I cannot look at it –
What would the world say if I looked at it?
I should drop down, if I looked at it –
I wish I could look at it –
There can be no sin in looking at it.
- I will look at it. (Penis & Look) Laurence Sterne, The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy
84,841. I was in butcher’s, I said, ‘Where’s your assistant?’ He said, ‘I sacked him.’ I said, ‘Why have you sacked him?’ He said, ‘He kept putting his willy in the bacon slicer.’ I said, ‘Ooh, what happened to your bacon slicer?’ He said, ‘I sacked her n all.’ Dave Spikey, live on stage, cited The 100 Greatest Comedians 2010
84,842. Jamesy examines inside trousers: It’s turned a funny colour.
Rab looks inside Jamesy’s trousers: You see, it’s pink Jamesy. That’s the way it looks when they scrape all the fungus and the dirt off it. Ian Pattison, Rab C Nesbitt, ‘Buckfast’
84,843. I am both attracted and repelled by the male organ. Manhattan 1979 starring Woody Allen & Diane Keaton & Michael Murphy & Mariel Hemingway & Meryl Streep & Anne Byrne & Michael O'Donoghue & Wallace Shawn & Karen Ludwig & Charles Levin & Karen Allen et al, director Woody Allen
94,633. In the lavatory of the casualty department I stood beside Vaughan at the urinal stalls. I looked down at his penis, wondering if this too was scarred. The glans, propped between his index and centre fingers, carried a sharp notch, like a canal for surplus semen or vinal mucus. What part of some crashing car had marked his penis, and in what marriage of his orgasm and a chromium instrument panel? (Car & Pervert & Injury & Wounds & Roads & Accident & Penis) J G Ballard, Crash p91
40,185. He’s signalling to the bench with his groin. (Football & Penis) Mark Bright
98,729. It had ever been the custom of the family, and by length of time was almost become a matter of common right, that the eldest son of it should have free ingress, egress, and regress into foreign parts before marriage, — not only for the sake of bettering his own private parts, by the benefit of exercise and change of so much air — but simply for the mere delectation of his fancy, by the feather put into his cap, of having been abroad. Laurence Sterne, The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman
103,379. So stop looking at my breasts and start looking at my penis. (Office & Penis) The Office US s8e15: Tallahassee, Nellie
119,111. Men and their cocks never cease to amaze me. (Gangstas & Penis) Peaky Blinders s1e4, Polly
119,561. Therapeutic aspiration: we’ll inject the needle into the side of the penis and draw the blood directly from the cavernosa. (Gangsters & Penis) Ray Donovan s5e10, Bob the Builder, doctor solving Mickey’s priapism
126,312. Hucknall’s Cock Given Blue Plaque: Honour for Simply Red’s bell-end’s bell-end: The penis of 80s heart-throb Mick Hucknall is to be honoured with a blue plaque, it was announced yesterday.
The flame-pubed sexual organ, which is thought to have been inserted into more than 3,000 women during the last 43 years, has been dubbed ‘a British institution well worth commerorating’ by senior members of English heritage. Viz magazine