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Don’t swallow sperm. 148 a swallow – New York Times. Or if you go on Weight Watchers – two points. Joan Rivers, Don’t Start with Me, Netflix 2012
36-hour erections and these poor old dried out old wives, and these guys on top of them – in and out, in and out, in and out – they’re gonna catch them on fire! Yes! That’s what happened two years ago in Malibu. ibid.
Father [singing]: Every sperm is sacred. Every sperm is great. If a sperm is wasted. God gets quite irate. Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life 1983 starring Graham Chapman & John Cleese & Terry Gilliam & Eric Idle & Terry Jones & Michael Palin & Carol Cleveland & Patricia Quinn & Judy Loe & Simon Jones & Matt Frewer & Jane Leeves et al, director Terry Jones
Lady Presenter: Well that’s the end of the film. Now, here’s the Meaning of Life [receives envelope]. Thank you, Brigitte [opens envelope]. Mhmmm. Well it’s nothing very special. Uh, try to be nice to people. Avoid eating fat. Read a good book every now and then. Get some walking in. And try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations. And, finally, here are some completely gratuitous pictures of penises to annoy the sponsors and hopefully spark some sort of controversy. ibid.
Mrs Doyle: They were a bit obsessed with the old S-E-X. God, I’m glad I never think of that type of thing, Father. That whole sexual world. God, when you think of it it’s a dirty filthy thing, isn’t it, Father? Can you imagine, Father: looking up at your husband and him standing over you with his lad in his hand wanting you to degrade yourself. God almighty, can you imagine that, Father? Can you picture there, Father? Father Ted s2e8: Cigarettes & Alcohol & Rollerblading, Channel 4 1996
The three most important things a man has are, briefly, his private parts, his money, and his religious opinions. Samuel Butler, 1835 -1902
The horn, the horn, the lusty horn
Is not a thing to laugh to scorn. William Shakespeare, As You Like It IV ii 18, Lords (singing)
A horned man’s a monster and a beast. William Shakespeare, Othello IV i 60, Othello
There was a young man from Savannah
Who died in a curious manner:
He whittled a hole
In a telephone pole
And electrified his banana. Anonymous
There was a young gal name of Sally
Who loved an occasional dally.
She sat on the lap
Of a well-endowed chap
Crying, ‘Gee, Dick, you’re right up my alley!’ Anonymous
If you’re one of the thousands of men who suffer from erectile dysfunction you already know it’s no laughing matter. The Sopranos s3e12: Amour Fou starring James Gandolfini & Lorriane Bracco & Edie Falco & Michael Imperioli & Dominic Chianese & Steven van Zandt & Tony Sirico & Robert Iler et al, doctor, HBO 2001
So, you’re obviously the Big Dick. Now the other side of you are your balls. And there are two types of balls. There are big brave balls and there are little mincy faggot balls. Dicks have drive and clarity of vision. But they’re not clever. They smell pussy and they want a piece of the action. Snatch 2000 ***** starring Brad Pitt & Vinnie Jones & Jason Statham & Stephen Graham & Alan Ford & Dennis Farina & Adam Fogerty & Mike Reid & Vinnie Jones et al, director Guy Ritchie, Tony to three robbers in pub
Jack says you’ve got a great big cock. Boogie Nights 1997 starring Mark Wahlberg & Burt Reynolds & Julianne Moore & Don Cheadle & John C Reilly & William H Macy & Heather Graham & Luiz Guzman & Philip Seymour Hoffmann & Philip Baker Hall et al, director Paul Thomas Anderson, financier
Commander, tell me about your sexual organs. Star Trek s5e17: The Next Generation: The Outcast, alien bird to Riker
Female Hack: I’ve seen more of Ashley’s cock than Cheryl has. Max, Max, we’ve got computers full of Ashley’s cock; we’ve had to install more memory to cope with it. No, it’s always that shape. Hacks 2011 starring Kayvan Novak & Nigel Planer & Phil Davis, writer & director Guy Jenkin, Channel 4 2012
He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord.
A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the Lord.
An Ammonite or Moabite shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord; even to their tenth generation shall they not enter into the congregation of the Lord for ever. Deuteronomy 23:1-3
From a women in fast and testimony meeting: ‘Satan was so powerful he even tempted me at the temple. I was sitting in the temple getting ready for a session and Satan kept giving me bad thoughts ... You know immoral ones ... about a certain male part ... OK, putting on my mind images of a penis. I had to pray real hard for God to take it out of my mind.’ Deluded, board post 15th December 2014, ‘What’s the Craziest Thing You Ever Heard Said in Church?’
Eight days after his birth Jesus of Nazareth was circumcised. During the Middle Ages the Holy Foreskin of Christ became one of the most important relics in Christendom. Quest for the Holy Foreskin, National Geographic 2013
Then in 1983 international newspapers reported it had been stolen. ibid.
By the twentieth century the Church had grown embarrassed by the Holy Foreskin. ibid.
Lord! I cannot look at it –
What would the world say if I looked at it?
I should drop down, if I looked at it –
I wish I could look at it –
There can be no sin in looking at it.
– I will look at it. Laurence Sterne, The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman
It had ever been the custom of the family, and by length of time was almost become a matter of common right, that the eldest son of it should have free ingress, egress, and regress into foreign parts before marriage, — not only for the sake of bettering his own private parts, by the benefit of exercise and change of so much air — but simply for the mere delectation of his fancy, by the feather put into his cap, of having been abroad. ibid.
I was in butcher’s, I said, ‘Where’s your assistant?’ He said, ‘I sacked him.’ I said, ‘Why have you sacked him?’ He said, ‘He kept putting his willy in the bacon slicer.’ I said, ‘Ooh, what happened to your bacon slicer?’ He said, ‘I sacked her ’n’ all.’ Dave Spikey, cited The 100 Greatest Comedians 2010
Jamesie examines inside trousers: It’s turned a funny colour.
Rab looks inside Jamesie’s trousers: You see, it’s pink, Jamesie. That’s the way it looks when they scrape all the fungus and the dirt off it. Rab C Nesbitt, ‘Buckfast’, BBC 1994
I am both attracted and repelled by the male organ. Manhattan 1979 starring Woody Allen & Diane Keaton & Michael Murphy & Mariel Hemingway & Meryl Streep & Anne Byrne & Michael O'Donoghue & Wallace Shawn & Karen Ludwig & Charles Levin & Karen Allen et al, director Woody Allen