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1. But folks I have to tell you in the bullshit department a businessman can’t hold a candle to a clergyman. Because when it comes to bullshit, bigtime major-league bullshit, you have to stand in awe – in awe – of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims – Religion. No contest. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people, many of them adults, that there’s an invisible man who lives in the sky and watches everything they do, every minute of every day, and has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send You to remain and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry for ever and ever to the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money. He always needs money. He is all-powerful, all perfect, all-knowing and all-wise, somehow he just can’t handle money. Religion takes in billions of dollars, pays no taxes and somehow they always need a little more. Now you talk about a good bullshit story – holy shit! (God & Elohim & Religion & Tithing & Money & Belief & Faith & Hell & Life’s Like That & God's Fascism & Comedy & Bullshit) George Carlin, Napalm and Silly Putty audio
2. I make fun of people who are religious because I think they are fundamentally weak. But I want you to know that on a personal level when it comes to believing in God I tried. I mean I really really tried. I tried to believe that there’s a God who created us in his own image, loves us very much, then keeps a close eye on things. I tried to believe it. But I gotta tell you, the longer you live, and the more you look around, the more you realise something is fucked up. Something is wrong. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kind of stuff you’d expect from the office temp with a bad attitude. In any well managed universe this guy would have been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. So if there is a God, if there is, I think reasonable people might agree he is at least incompetent and maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t give a shit. Which I admire in a person. And which would explain a lot of his results. (Comedy & God & Elohim & Religion & Belief & Faith & Life’s Like That & God’s Fascism) iGeorge Carlin, More Napalm and Silly Putty
4. If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him. (God & Elohim & Religion & Belief & Faith & Life's Like That & Kill) George Carlin
324. I have certain rules I live by. My first rule: I don’t believe anything the government tells me. (Belief & Government & Rules) George Carlin
935. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, you soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. (Belief & Death & Soul) George Carlin
971. I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in. George Carlin, Brain Droppings
2,355. It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes. (Logic & Reason & Science & School & Belief & Religion) ibid.
90,092. The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God’s infinite love. That’s the message we're brought up with, isn’t it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options. (Suffering & Belief) Bill Hicks
67,940. Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense. (Common Sense & Belief & Reason) Buddha
58,722. People wrap themselves in their beliefs. And they do it in such a way that you can't set them free. Not even the truth will set them free. (Fundamentalism & Belief) Michael Specter
54. I should only believe in a God that would know how to dance. (God & Belief & Dance) Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spake Zarathustra
9,543. I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can't believe you. (Trust & Belief & Lies) Friedrich Nietzsche
59,210. Doubt as sin — Christianity has done its utmost to close the circle and declared even doubt to be sin. One is supposed to be cast into belief without reason, by a miracle, and from then on to swim in it as in the brightest and least ambiguous of elements: even a glance towards land, even the thought that one perhaps exists for something else as well as swimming, even the slightest impulse of our amphibious nature — is sin! And notice that all this means that the foundation of belief and all reflection on its origin is likewise excluded as sinful. What is wanted are blindness and intoxication and an eternal song over the waves in which reason has drowned. (Disbelief & Belief & Doubt & Christianity & Sin & Dissent) Friedrich Nietzsche, Daybreak: Thoughts on the Prejudices of Morality
88. How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught the roller of an electric typewriter? (God & Belief) Woody Allen
93. But should we believe in such things if it’s at the expense of everything that corresponds with scientific method, with reason? (God & Belief & Science) Matthew Alper, The God Part of the Brain
683. Why are we so afraid to let go of the antiquated belief systems by which we were raised? What if our great, great, great, great and then some grandparents were wrong? What if those who viewed lighting as God’s wrath were mistaken? What if their primitive interpretations were wrong? Moreover, what harm could come in at least exploring the tools of science as a means to fortify ourselves, as a means to minimize life’s pain and maximize our happiness?
So, which will it be? Are we to accept the underlying principles conceived in scientific method – reason – or are we to obstinately hold on to those antiquated belief systems that spring from our pre-scientific, ignorant past?
… Besides, if there truly is no spiritual reality, just think of all the energy we’ve wasted in practicing our illusionary beliefs. Think of all the useless rituals and ceremonies we’ve performed, all of the sacrifices we’ve made, the shrines we’ve built, the purses we’ve filled, the gods to whom we’ve worshipped and prayed and, meanwhile all of it in vain. (Religion & God & Belief & Gods & Worship & Science) ibid.
138. I believe that God wants everybody to be free. That’s what I believe. And that’s part of my foreign policy. (God & Belief & Bush & Free & Foreign Policy US) George W Bush
189. During these two years (i.e. October 1836 to January 1839) I was led to think much about religion. Whilst on board the Beagle I was quite orthodox, and I remember being heartily laughed at by several of the officers (though themselves orthodox) for quoting the Bible as an unanswerable authority on some point of morality. I suppose it was the novelty of the argument that amused them. But I had gradually come, by this time, to see that the Old Testament from its manifestly false history of the world, with the Tower of Babel, the rainbow as a sign etc. etc. and from its attributing to God the feelings of a revengeful tyrant, was no more to be trusted than the sacred books of the Hindoos, or the beliefs of any barbarian. The question then continually rose before my mind and would not be banished, — is it credible that if God were now to make a revelation to the Hindoos, would he permit it to be connected with the belief in Vishnu, Siva etc. as Christianity is connected with the Old Testament. This appeared to me utterly incredible ...