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Babies have big heads and big eyes, and tiny little bodies with tiny little arms and legs. So did the aliens at Roswell. I rest my case. William Shatner
‘We have babies we called jellyfish babies. Babies born on a labour-table moves up and down like this.’ John Pilger, The Coming War on China ***** Marshall Islands health worker on birth of second-generation irradiated babies, World Council of Churches speech 1983
Anybody who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad. Leo Rosten
The most out-there thing I’m saying is, ‘Don’t have babies. Don’t get married and have kids. Have a larger life than that.’ Roseanne Barr
This child – constantly wanting the breast. The Sopranos: Members Only s6e1 starring James Gandolfini & Lorriane Bracco & Edie Falco & Michael Imperioli & Dominic Chianese & Steven van Zandt & Tony Sirico & Robert Iler et al, Janice
The CPS has got the baby. The Wild & Wonderful Whites of West Virginia, female to female, 2009
I can’t even have a kid with her, man. Her womb is so polluted I can’t even have a fucking little baby with her. Scarface 1983 ***** starring Al Pacino & Michelle Pfeiffer & Steven Bauer & Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio & Robert Loggia & Miria Colon & F Murray Abraham et al, director Brian de Palma, Tony
I don’t want our baby to grow up like you. Infernal Affairs II 2003 starring Anthony Wong & Eric Tsang & Carina Lau & Francis Ng & Edison Chen & Shawn Yeu & Hu Jun & Joe Cheung & Arthur Wong & Teddy Chan et al, directors Andrew Lau & Alan Mak, Girlfriend to Chan
I can't believe you sold a fucking baby. Ill Manors 2012 starring Riz Ahmed & Ed Skrein & Keith Coggins & Lee Allen & Nick Sagar & Ryan de la Cruz & Anouska Mond & Mem Ferda & Natalie Press et al, director Ben Drew, opening commentary, bird to bloke
You’re just jealous cause you can’t have babies. Cat on a Hot Tin Roof 1958 starring Paul Newman & Elizabeth Taylor & Burl Ives & Judith Anderson & Jack Carson & Madeleine Sherwood & Larry Gates & Vaughn Taylor, director Richard Brooks, little girl to Maggie
But how in hell on Earth do you imagine you’re going to have a child by a man who cannot stand you? ibid. Brick to Maggie
I believe she looks like Chief O’Brien. Star Trek: The Next Generation s5e5: Disaster, Worf delivers baby
I think I’m having a contraction. Star Trek: Voyager s2e21: Deadlock, Ensign Wildman
The first baby born on Voyager. ibid. Janeway on bridge
Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. Mid-19th century proverb
Out of the mouths of babes. Late 19th century proverb
An ugly baby is a very nasty object. Queen Victoria
Anna Bates (Canada) who measured 2.27 m (7 ft 5.5 in) gave birth to a boy weighing 10.8 kg (23 lb 12.8 oz) and 76 cm (30 in) in length at her home in Seville Ohio USA on 19 January 1879, but the baby died 11 hours later. Guinness World Records 2005 (50th edition)
A premature baby girl weighing 280g (9.87 oz) was reported to have been born on 27 June 1989 at the Loyola University Medical Centre. ibid.
Begin, baby boy, to recognise your mother with a smile. Virgil, Eclogues
For the hand that rocks the cradle
Is the hand that rules the world. William Ross Wallace, What Rules the World, 1865
A lovely being, scarcely formed or moulded,
A rose with all its sweetest leaves yet folded. Lord Byron, Don Juan
A lad says to his dad, Where do babies come from, dad? He says, A stork. Lad says, Who fucks the stork? Bernard Manning
What is the use of a baby? Michael Faraday
Are we doing enough for our baby? ... New parents are scared shitless. When it comes to raising their baby they will do anything ... Six billion dollars a year ... Penn & Teller, Bullshit! S1e5: Second Hand Smoke/Baby Bullshit, Showtime 2003
Gordon Shaw created a firestorm in the late 1990s when he published papers concluding that listening to Mozart could improve the brain’s ability to conduct spatial reasoning. ibid.
Mother: Is it a boy or a girl?
Doctor: Now I think it’s a little early to start imposing rolls on it, don’t you? Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life 1983 starring Graham Chapman & John Cleese & Terry Gilliam & Eric Idle & Michael Palin & Terry Jones & Carol Cleveland & Judie Loe & Simon Jones et al, director Terry Jones
Baby, baby, naughty baby,
Hush, you squalling thing I say.
Peace this moment, peace, or maybe
Bonaparte will pass this way.
Baby, baby, he’s a giant,
Tall and black as Rouen steeple,
And he breakfasts, dines, rely on’t,
Every day on naughty people.
Baby, baby, if he hear you,
As he gallops past the house,
Limb from limb at once he’ll tear you,
Just as pussy tears a mouse.
And he’ll beat you, beat you, beat you,
And he’ll beat you all to pap,
And he’ll eat you, eat you, eat you,
Every morsel snap, snap, snap. Anonymous, ‘Baby, Baby, Baby’
There’s a lot of hype that says children have to be exposed to all sorts of things else they’ll be crippled for life. That’s simply not true. It’s based on a misunderstanding of the scientific data. Dr Robert Needleman, paediatrician
On my website I also sell CDs of the sounds of the uterus. Dr Harvey Carp
Vyvyan’s baby will be a pauper! Oliver Twist! Jeffrey Dickens! Back to Victorian values! I hope you’re satisfied, Thatcher! The Young Ones: Cash, Rick, BBC 1984
The baby doesn’t understand English and the Devil knows Latin. Ronald Knox, on being asked to perform baptism in English
A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other. Ronald Knox, attributed
Babies are soft. Anyone looking at them can see the tender, fragile skin and know it for the rose-leaf softness that invites a finger's touch. But when you live with them and love them, you feel the softness going inward, the round-cheeked flesh wobbly as custard, the boneless splay of the tiny hands. Their joints are melted rubber, and even when you kiss them hard, in the passion of loving their existence, your lips sink down and seem never to find bone. Holding them against you, they melt and mold, as though they might at any moment flow back into your body. Diana Gabaldon, Dragonfly in Amber
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers
And they’re constantly shitting themselves. Derek – The Special, Hannah’s objection to babies, Channel 4 2014
You’re in your thirties or forties. Your bodyclock is ticking. Your fertility is dropping with every passing year. You want a baby. You don’t have a man and you don’t want a one-night stand. What do you do? ... Danish babies who grew up and became sperm donors. You can now buy frozen straws of their sperm on the internet and ship them anywhere in the world. Sue Bourne, Modern Times: The Vikings Are Coming, BBC 2015