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I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. Joan Rivers
It’s so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up who. Joan Rivers
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp. Joan Rivers
The Chinese brought two things to this country. They brought the railroads and they brought anal sex. Oh, sidebar, sidebar – don’t you love anal sex? Can we talk here. Oh for a busy woman I mean multi-tasking at its finest, it’s so great, you can have him fucking you away – and you can do your internet, you can answer all your email, and now that you can get Netflix – oh! take your time. Joan Rivers, Don’t Start With Me, Netflix 2012
36-hour erections and these poor old dried out old wives, and these guys on top of them – in and out, in and out, in and out – they’re gonna catch them on fire! Yes! That’s what happened two years ago in Malibu. ibid.
Tomorrow we may die, so let’s get drunk and make love. Lipstick aka Lois Long
I can still enjoy sex at 75. I live at 76, so it’s no distance. Bob Monkhouse
Get thee to a nunnery. Better still, come to an old Monk House. Bob Monkhouse
Mrs Doyle: God, I’m glad I never think of that type of thing, Father. That whole sexual world. God, when you think of it it’s a dirty filthy thing, isn’t it, Father? Can you imagine, Father: looking up at your husband and him standing over you with his lad in his hand wanting you to degrade yourself. God almighty, can you imagine that, Father? Father Ted s2e8: Cigarettes & Alcohol & Rollerblading, Channel 4 1996
Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love all year round, madam; that is all there is to distinguish us from other animals. Pierre-Augustin Caron de Beaumarchais, 1732-1799, Le Mariage de Figaro, 1785
It’s implicitly totalitarian. Second, it degrades our human self-respect by saying we wouldn’t act morally if it were not for fear of this celestial dictatorship ... Third, it seems to me to be invariably based on sexual repression and a fear and disgust of the sexual act. Christopher Hitchens v Mark Roberts, debate 2007
Marriage is for woman the commonest mode of livelihood, and the total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution. Bertrand Russell, Marriage and Morals
What wouldn’t I not give to have a bush in my mouth right now. My God – the smell – that stinking little pink-fish … let it drip like honey … It is what it is. Bill Hicks, Sane Man
You know what I’m proud of? Never fucked a One. George Carlin live in New York July 1997
Sex is now a conceptual act, it’s probably only in terms of the perversions that we can make contact with each other at all. J G Ballard, The Atrocity Exhibition
The first problem is zero gravity or more accurately micro-gravity. The second problem is high-energy radiation ... According to at least one astronaut being in space produced what he called the Viagra effect ... NASA flight surgeons believe the redistribution of blood in micro-gravity is the cause. The Universe s3e4: Sex in Space, History 2008
The thing about long-term marriage is that inevitably the sex suffers. The Office UK: Training s1e4, Gareth, BBC 2001
What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years. The Office US s5e1: Weightloss I, Michael, NBC 2008
In heterosexual love there’s no solution. Man and woman are irreconcilable, and it’s the doomed attempt to do the impossible, repeated in each new affair, that lends heterosexual love its grandeur. Marguerite Duras, French writer
Western society seems obsessed with sex ... It stems from the religion, which over centuries slowly took over the West. Christianity: for nearly two thousand years Christian thinkers have worried away at sex trying to lay down the law on what’s right and wrong. Professor Diarmaid MacCulloch, Sex and the Church I: From Pleasure to Sin, BBC 2015
The West’s problem with sex goes back to the first centuries of Christianity, when early Christians turned sex from a biological necessity into a vice, from a pleasure into a sin. We’ve been struggling with the fallout ever since. ibid.
Ancient Greeks kept their women indoors. ibid.
The Syrians introduced the monastic life to the West. They were the great traders of the ancient world. ibid.
So for Augustine all sex is intrinsically evil and sinful ... All children are born into sin. ibid.
Sexuality became a battleground between Catholics and Protestants. Christianity’s grip on Western sexual morality would now be stronger than ever. Professor Diarmaid MacCulloch, Sex and the Church II: Sexual Revolution
1073, Pope Gregory … has his own vision of strict Christian morality. ibid.
The Church would declare marriages valid ... For the first time in the history of the West you had to be married by a priest ... Laws who they could and couldn’t marry. ibid.
The Pope [Gregory] now wanted all clergy to renounce sex. ibid.
By the 13th century Church authorities had taken control of marriage, enforced celibacy on clergy and silenced Christian women. They had boosted their power by intruding into people’s private lives in unprecedented ways. ibid.
The Church disapproved of all sex even within marriage. But was anybody listening? ibid.
Everywhere the Church looked it found illicit sex. Sinners swimming in their own filth. ibid.
Protestants encouraged couples to enjoy sex within marriage. And even forced priests to marry. Catholic Europe was appalled. ibid.
But people began a fundamental questioning of the Church three centuries ago – the Age of Enlightenment. Professor Diarmaid MacCulloch, Sex and the Church III: Christianity v The West, BBC 2015
I’ll give this a name: I’ll call it Catholic feminism ... Women across the Catholic world claimed that Mary had appeared to them in visions. ibid.