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They have the best giftshop at Auschwitz. They have, here it comes, yes, yes, smoked ham, a Hitler watch – they have hands when they get to noon – Heil! – And they have a pen – watch the Jews go in the oven, watch the Jews come out of the oven – too much? Then I won’t tell you my Whitney Houston joke. Joan Rivers, Don’t Start With Me, Netflix 2012
Fat jokes aren’t relevant, but they’re hilarious when you find them. Joan Rivers
We have your satellite. If you want it back send 20 billion in Martian money. No funny business or you will never see it again. Graffiti reportedly written on wall at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Lab 1999 after loss of Mars Polar Lander
A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes. Ludwig Wittgenstein
It’s like my whole life is joke. A big fucking joke on me. The Sopranos: The Fleshy Part of the Thigh s6e4 starring James Gandolfini & Lorriane Bracco & Edie Falco & Michael Imperioli & Dominic Chianese & Steven van Zandt & Tony Sirico & Robert Iler et al, Pauli to Tony
There was a young lady from Venus, whose body was shaped like a ... Star Trek: The Next Generation s1e3: The Naked Now, Data
Doctor: Do you know any jokes?
King: Timing isn’t my strong suit. The King’s Speech 2011 starring Colin Firth & Geoffrey Rush & Guy Pearce & Helena Bonham Carter & Timothy Spall & Derek Jacobi & Jennifer Ehle & Anthony Andrews & Claire Bloom & Eve Best & Freya Wilson & Tim Downie & Roger Hammond & Michael Gambon et al, director Tom Hooper
The energy that otherwise would have been used to repress a desire is saved by joking – which allows aggression to be released. Sigmund Freud
Never take a joke seriously. Bernard Manning
It was obvious the joke was lethal. No-one could read it and live. Monty Python’s Flying Circus s1e1, BBC 1969
It was not long before the army became interested in the military potential of the killer joke. ibid.
Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie ... A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion. George Orwell, cited Horizon September 1941 ‘The Art of Donald McGill’
A joke’s a very serious thing. Charles Churchill, 1731-64, The Ghost
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog. Groucho Marx
I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one. Marilyn Monroe
There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them. Werner Heisenberg
I’ve got that big Miami joke that I do: about the hotels being expensive ... Last night it died. Broadway Danny Rose 1984 starring Woody Allen & Mia Farrow & Nick Apollo Forte & Sandy Baron & Corbett Monica & Jackie Gayle & Morty Gunty & Will Jordan & Howard Storm & Gloria Parker et al, director Woody Allen, dude at table
Jokes are such hard work ... I’ve never understood the ha ha business. Margaret starring Lindsay Duncan & Ian McDiarmid & Roger Allam & Michael Cochrane & Oliver Cotton & Philip Jackson & Robert Hardy & James Fox et al, Margaret, BBC 2009
One day there were three tomatoes walking down the street, a mama tomato, a daddy tomato and a baby tomato. Baby tomato is walking too slowly, so the daddy tomato goes back, steps on him and says, ‘Ketchup!’ Pulp Fiction 1994 starring John Travolta & Samuel L Jackson & Tim Roth & Amanda Plummer & Ving Rhames & Uma Thurman & Bruce Willis & Christopher Walken & Frank Whaley & Eric Stoltz & Rosanna Arquette & Steve Buscemi et al, director Quentin Tarantino, Uma Thurman’s joke to Vincent Vega
There’s a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words. Dorothy Parker
The worse sort of judge – the judge who makes jokes. Rumpole of the Bailey s2e2, Rumpole and the Case of Identity, ITV 1979
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: ‘Stop. Don’t do it.’
‘Why shouldn’t I?’ he asked.
‘Well, there’s so much to live for!’
‘Like what?’
‘Are you religious?’
He said: ‘Yes.’
I said: ‘Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?’
‘Christian.’
‘Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?’
‘Protestant.’
‘Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?’
‘Baptist.’
‘Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?’
‘Baptist Church of God.’
‘Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?’
‘Reformed Baptist Church of God.’
‘Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?’
He said: ‘Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915.’
I said: ‘Die, heretic scum,’ and pushed him off. Guardian online 26th September 2005 article ‘Bigot on a bridge wins poll for funniest religious joke’
Jokes: modern art is full of them. Matthew Collings, This is Modern Art V: Hollow Laughter, Channel 4 1999
Marcel Duchamp: iconic, laconic, sardonic, wry, dry, a bit austere, a bit erotic, a cool French guy … Irony is at the heart of Duchamp’s output. ibid.
Most of us kind of think that art is quality. ibid.
Art that questions the meaning of art: we’re all used to that now. ibid.
Magritte’s joke is the joke of the wrong label … but it is beautiful in a way. ibid.
Mazoni: Artists’s shit, each one individually signed. When he first sold them they cost their weight in gold. Now they’re worth much more. ibid.
‘Fork ‘andles is not Ronnie Barker’s joke. It’s something that was sent into him by a viewer to whom it had actually happened.’ Steve Punt, Comedy Legends s1e4: Ronnie Barker, Sky 2018