Some of you seem to have got off on the wrong foot with me. You didn’t like some of the jokes I told earlier. You’ve got to chill out, yeah. Trust me, this is what I do. All right? You will never work in a place like this again. This is brilliant. Fact. Yeah? And you’ll never have another boss like me, someone who’s basically a chilled-out entertainer. The Office UK: Merger s2e1, Brent to new Swindon intake
Tim: Team leader don’t mean anything mate.
Gareth: Excuse me, it means I’m the leader of a team.
Tim: No it doesn’t – it’s a title someone’s given you to get you to do something they don’t want to do, for free. Right? It’s like making a div kid at school milk monitor. No-one respects it.
Gareth: I think they do.
Tim: No they don’t Gareth.
Gareth: Er, yes they do, because if people were rude to me then I used to give them their milk last, so it was warm. The Office UK: Merger s2e1, Brent to new Swindon intake
Today I’m doing our staff appraisals ... They don’t only sort of list their strengths and weaknesses but also mine as a boss. The Office UK: Appraisals s2e2
We’re actually used to doing stuff like working hard, being motivated. ibid. Swindon lady
If you do go all the way with Tim, and you expect me to go in there afterwards, make sure he wears a condom. ibid. Gareth
Now, guys, we’re about to enter a warehouse environment. Now I must warn you that some of the people in here will be working class, so there may be arse-cleavage. So just find a partner, hold hands. Don’t talk to anyone though. The Office UK: Party s2e3, Tim
Women who work in factories are slappers. ibid. Gareth
Simon: You know Bruce Lee’s not really dead, don’t you? Yeah, it’s in a book. What he did was he faked his own death so that he could work undercover for the Hong Kong police, infiltrating drugs gangs and the Triads.
Gareth: Yeah, I reckon that’s true.
Tim: Yeah, I reckon that’s true. Because if you were gonna send someone undercover to investigate the Triads, you’d probably want the world’s most famous Chinese film star. The Office UK: Motivation s2e4
I didn’t want you here but you’re here now. ibid. David to staff
Just another normal day in the office. The Office UK: Charity s2e5 ***** Brent
I sort of fused Flashdance with MC Hammer shit. ibid. Brent
You’re on a warning. ibid. Neil to Brent
We’d like to offer you a very generous redundancy package. ibid.
It’s the best thing that has ever happened to me ... ’Cause you are going to have a mutiny on your hands. They will go berserk. ibid. Brent to Neil
I don’t look upon this like it’s the end, I look upon it like it’s moving on, you know. It’s almost like my work here’s done. I can’t imagine Jesus going, ‘Oh, I’ve told a few people in Bethlehem I’m the Son of God; can I just stay here with Mum and Dad now?’ No. You gotta move on. You gotta spread the word. You gotta go to Nazareth, please. And that’s, very much like ... me. The Office UK: Interview s2e6, Brent
Life is just a series of peaks and troughs. And you don’t know whether you’re in a trough until you’re climbing out, or on a peak until you’re coming down. And that’s it you know, you never know what’s round the corner. But it’s all good. If you want the rainbow, you’ve gotta put up with the rain. Do you know which philosopher said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she’s just a big pair of tits. ibid.
In January 2001 a BBC documentary crew filmed the everyday goings on in a typical workplace. Now, nearly three years later we return to find out what has happened to the employees of the office. The Office, Christmas Special I
Can I ask you something – who does your Tampons? ibid. David on sales call
Gareth is not general manager as such like I was when I was here. I was sort of omnipotent and er he’s doing a much more watered down version. ibid. David
It annoys me when people have a go at celebrity. Like poor Noel Edmonds. ibid. David
Tim: And what happens, you’re going into battle situation, right, you are up the front, with your men, or are you coming up the rear?
Gareth: Well, depends ...
Dawn: So it’s possible you’d come up the rear?
Gareth: It’s possible, yeah.
Tim: That’s all we wanted to know. The Office, Christmas Special II
The people you work with are people you were just thrown together with. I mean, you don’t know them, it wasn’t your choice. And yet you spend more time with them than you do your friends or your family. But probably all you have in common is the fact that you walk around on the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day. And so, when you find someone you have a connection with. And, yeah, Dawn was a ray of sunshine in my life. ibid. Tim
Camera interview: How would you like to be remembered?
David: Simply as the man who put a smile on the face of all he met. ibid.
I’m not going to sell you the usual – excuse the French – management bullshit. You’ve heard enough of that in the last ten minutes. The Office Values – Microsoft UK Training With David Brent
You’re no good to man nor beast. I mean, like myself there’s no good reason why you can’t utterly satisfy a woman in twenty to thirty minutes, get some important paperwork done and get out and have a sleep. Time management. ibid.
Nelson Mandela. Thirty years in captivity ... It also shows you that prison works. ibid.
Too much thinking makes Jack a mental case. Yeah, that’s what turned Stephen Hawkins mad. ibid.
Are you working on anything like a Robocop here? ibid.
Walkathon – I thought you said something else. ibid. nerdy bloke
Strengths include but are not limited to the way that I set out each day to seek perfection, achieve perfection and maintain perfection. ibid. David
Hello. I’m David Brent. You probably know me as the star of the BBC2 documentary The Office back in two thousand and [giggles and puts hand over mouth]. No, that was then. This is now. I’m currently a singer songwriter. And a rep … I am following my dream as the lead singer in the band Foregone Conclusion and this is our story. David Brent: Life on the Road 2016 starring Ricky Gervais & Ben Bailey Smith & Andy Burrows & Tom Basden & Jo Hartley & Mandeep Dhillon & Rebecca Gethings & Nina Sosanya & Tom Bennett & Andrew Brooke et al, director Ricky Gervais
Life on the open road. It’s in my blood. ibid.
I used to have my own office. Better than that in a way. ibid.
I’m sure you didn’t mean to cause offence, David … ibid. Human Resources woman
I took out a lot of private pensions in the ’90s, you know. And some of them are worth as much as I put in now. ibid.
On the road is really where I come alive. ibid.
People say I am the best boss. They go, God, we’ve never worked in a place like this before, you’re hilarious, and you get the best out of us. The Office US s1e1: Pilot, Michael
I’m sort of a student of comedy. ibid. Michael to new temp Ryan
I think I’m a role model here. I think I garner people’s respect. ibid. Michael
Today is diversity day. And someone is going to come in and talk to us about diversity. Something that I’ve been pushing. That I’ve been wanting to push for a long time. The Office US s1e2: Diversity Day, Michael
We believe that 99% of the problems in the workplace arise simply out of ignorance. ibid. diversity guy
Is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive? ibid. Michael
The most sacred thing I do is care … I heal them. The Office US s1e3: Health Care, Michael
I am in my office. I am swamped. ibid. Michael’s phone call to Pam
I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that er I get no pleasure out of saying the words You’re fired. The Office US s1e4: The Alliance, Michael
What am I going to do with a removed uterus? ibid. Michael to Dwight
When I am playing hoops all of the stress and responsibility of my job here melts away. The Office US s1e5: Basketball, Pam to Michael
Coffee is the great incentiviser in the office. The Office US s1e6: New Girl
Michael has taped every Dundies award and now he’s making me look through hours of footage to find highlights. The Office US s2e1: The Dundies