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1. But folks I have to tell you in the bullshit department a businessman can’t hold a candle to a clergyman. Because when it comes to bullshit, bigtime major-league bullshit, you have to stand in awe – in awe – of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims – Religion. No contest. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people, many of them adults, that there’s an invisible man who lives in the sky and watches everything they do, every minute of every day, and has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send You to remain and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry for ever and ever to the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money. He always needs money. He is all-powerful, all perfect, all-knowing and all-wise, somehow he just can’t handle money. Religion takes in billions of dollars, pays no taxes and somehow they always need a little more. Now you talk about a good bullshit story – holy shit! (God & Elohim & Religion & Tithing & Money & Belief & Faith & Hell & Life’s Like That & God's Fascism & Comedy & Bullshit) George Carlin, Napalm and Silly Putty audio
2. I make fun of people who are religious because I think they are fundamentally weak. But I want you to know that on a personal level when it comes to believing in God I tried. I mean I really really tried. I tried to believe that there’s a God who created us in his own image, loves us very much, then keeps a close eye on things. I tried to believe it. But I gotta tell you, the longer you live, and the more you look around, the more you realise something is fucked up. Something is wrong. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kind of stuff you’d expect from the office temp with a bad attitude. In any well managed universe this guy would have been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. So if there is a God, if there is, I think reasonable people might agree he is at least incompetent and maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t give a shit. Which I admire in a person. And which would explain a lot of his results. (Comedy & God & Elohim & Religion & Belief & Faith & Life’s Like That & God’s Fascism) George Carlin, More Napalm and Silly Putty
4. If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him. (God & Elohim & Religion & Belief & Faith & Life’s Like That & Kill) George Carlin
1,080. Life is worth losing. (Life’s Like That & Lose) George Carlin
1,081. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat. (Life’s Like That & United States of America & Ticket) George Carlin
1,082. So I say, Live and Let Live. That’s my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family. (Life’s Like That & Shoot) George Carlin
6,304. I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic. (Self & Life’s Like That) George Carlin
9,415. So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family. (Death & Life’s Like That & Fun & Hell) George Carlin, Brain Droppings
99,910. People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point. (Comedy & Life’s Like That & Entertainment) George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?
83,621. Life is just a series of peaks and troughs. And you don’t know whether you’re in a trough until you're climbing out, or on a peak until you’re coming down. And that’s it you know, you never know what’s round the corner. But it’s all good. If you want the rainbow, you’ve gotta put up with the rain. Do you know which philosopher said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she’s just a big pair of tits. (Office & Life’s Like That) The Office: Interview s2e6, Brent
120,899. One crowded hour of glorious life is worth an age without a name. Thomas Mordaunt, other attributions inc Walter Scott
13. Though fallen thyself, never to rise again,
Live and take comfort. Thou has left behind
Powers that will work for thee; air, earth and skies;
There’s not a breathing of the common wind
That will forget thee. Thou hast great allies;
Thy friends are exultations, agonies
And love, And man’s unconquerable mind. (Life’s Like That & Death) William Wordsworth, Toussaint L’Ouverture 1807
1,031. Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind ...
In the faith that looks through death,
In years that bring the philosophic mind. (Faith & Hour & Life’s Like That & Philosophy) William Wordsworth, Ode Intimations of Immortality 1807
1,059. Enough, if something from our hands have power
To live, and act, and serve the future hour;
And if, as toward the silent tomb we go,
Through love, through hope, and faith's transcendent dower,
We feel that we are greater than we know. William Wordsworth, The River Duddon
2,017. I recoil and droop, and seek repose
In listlessness from vain perplexity;
Unprofitably travelling toward the grave. (Life’s Like That & Grave) William Wordsworth, The Prelude 1850
14. And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had. (Life’s Like That & Dreams) Tears For Fears, Mad World, Roland Orzabal and sung by bassist Curt Smith
3,489. Hey diddle diddle
The cat and the fiddle,
God’s up there,
The devil’s down there
And here am I.
In the middle. (Life’s Like That & Cat & God & Devil & I & Epigram) esias, Life is a Steaming Pile of Donkey Doo-Doos c.1996
3,490. Life is the waking one morning to the wild truth you are born one of fifty billion rats. (Life’s Like That & Morning & Truth & Birth & Rat) esias, Hi, I’m Elohim: The Trouble with God
3,491. If Life were the Jeremy Kyle Show, we’d be grilling God on stage as the abusive parent. (Life’s Like That & Television & God & God’s Fascism) ibid.
113. I’ll tell you what happened – I just ran out of bullshit. Am I still on the air? I don’t know any other way to say it other than I just ran out of Bullshit. Bullshit is all the reasons we give for living. And if we can’t think of any reasons of our own we have the God bullshit. [inaudible] ... going through all this pointless pain and humiliation and decay, so they’d better be someone somewhere who does know – that’s the God bullshit. (God & Bullshit & Life’s Like That & Television) Network 1976 starring Faye Dunaway & Peter Finch & William Holden & Robert Duvall & Wesley Addy & Ned Beatty & Beatrice Straight & Jordan Charney & William Prince & Lane Smith & Marlene Warfield & Conchata Ferrell et al, director Sidney Lumet
1,113. Yeah, Tom, what is it? He’s saying that Life is Bullshit. And it is. So what are you screaming about? (Life’s Like That & Bullshit) ibid.
1,114. If there’s anybody out there that can look around this demented slaughterhouse of a world we live in and tell me that man is a noble creature – believe me, that man is full of bullshit. (Life’s Like That & Man & Bullshit) ibid.