36-hour erections and these poor old dried out old wives, and these guys on top of them – in and out, in and out, in and out – they’re gonna catch them on fire! Yes! That’s what happened two years ago in Malibu. ibid.
‘So here she is and I know you’ll enjoy her – Joan Rivers.’ Joan Rivers: Queen of Controversy, Ed Sullivan
‘How to you describe my mom? Wow.’ ibid. Melissa, daughter
By the end of the ’60s she was a regular on the biggest variety shows of the era, including the hugely popular Ed Sullivan Show. ibid.
By the mid-’80s Joan was one of most in-demand comedians on the planet. Her grit and determination in such a tough male-dominated industry had paid off. ibid.
Shocking America with her caustic, self-deprecating humour. ibid.
And when it did come out, the biggest celebrities of the day would feel the full force of her brutally funny put-downs. ibid.
Over the course of 21 years she had appeared on the Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show a staggering 288 times. ibid.
This House [House of Commons] notes with sadness the 10th anniversary of the death of Bill Hicks on 26th February 1994. Records his assertion that his words would be a bullet in the heart of consumerism, capitalism and the American dream. And mourns the passing of one of the few people who may be worthy of being mentioned as inclusion with Lenny Bruce in any list of unflinchingly and painfully politically honest political philosophers. (House of Commons & Comedy & Compliment & Epitaph) House of Commons Early Day Motion proposed by MP Stephen Pound
The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they’ve never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people’s minds, exposing them to the light. Bill Hicks
‘I’m going to write comedy’: We were only sixteen. American: The Bill Hicks Story ***** Houston Comedy Workshop
He was the guy out in front breaking barriers. ibid.
If I didn’t make it I’ll come back. But I’ve got to try. ibid. Bill’s Mum
I’ll have seven Margaritas. ibid. Bill tries alcohol
There is Bill Hicks and then there is everybody else. ibid.
How much can we get Bill to take on stage? ibid.
Bill quit drinking in February of ’88. ibid.
Now he’d gone sober we were just proud of him. ibid.
He came straight from the chemo treatment. ibid.
This is my final performance I’ve ever going to do. ibid.
Bill regularly tops comedy polls, and is often referred to as the comedian’s comedian. ibid.
I’m so tired. I need my sleep; I make no bones about it. I need eight hours a day and ten at night and I’m good. Bill Hicks, Sane Man *****
I’ve noticed a certain anti-intellectualism going round this country, man, ever since 1980. ibid.
I don’t know if I want to be awake that long in Tennessee. ibid.
I was in Nashville, Tennessee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I’m not proud of it. I was hungry. And I’m alone; I’m eating and I’m reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: ‘Hey, whatcha readin’ for?' Isn’t that the weirdest fuckin’ question you’ve ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading FOR? Well, goddamnit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well ... hmmm ... I dunno ... I guess I read for a lot of reasons and the main one is so I don’t end up being a fuckin’ waffle waitress. ibid.
How many non-smokers have we here tonight – non-smokers? What a bunch of whining maggots. Bunch of obnoxious self-righteous slugs … I’d quit smoking if I didn’t think I’d become one of you – I swear to God. ibid.
The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too? ibid.
Maybe you was conceived with a weak sperm or something. Maybe your dad was jacking off and your mum sat on it at the last second. Did I over-react? ibid.
I go through two lighters a day. And I’m starting to feel it. ibid.
I don’t do drugs … I want to thank management for offering … The war on drugs is hypocrisy, man. It’s not going to work. It’s a lie … The war on drugs is really a cock-sucker, isn’t it? ibid.
Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration — that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves. Here’s Tom with the weather. ibid.
What wouldn’t I not give to have a bush in my mouth right now. My God – the smell – that stinking little pink-fish … let it drip like honey … It is what it is. ibid.
I waited two thousand years to return to Earth – it’s Miller time. You know, Jesus, it doesn’t get better than this. ibid.
I am available for children’s parties, by the way. ibid.
‘Is this real, or is this just a ride?’ Bill Hicks, It’s Just a Ride, Gold 2016, on stage
‘I couldn’t understand why Bill used the F word so much.’ ibid. Bill’s dad
On October 1st 1993 Bill Hicks’ twelfth and final appearance on the David Letterman Show was cut from the transmitted programme. ibid.
I’m delighted to be in a show. I couldn’t afford to be in the audience. Tommy Cooper
‘Did you think I was funny?’ Tommy Cooper asked the Queen.
‘Yes, very funny, Tommy,’ replied the Queen.
‘Did your Mother think I was funny?’ Tommy asked.
‘Yes, she laughed non-stop,’ said the Queen.
‘Would you mind if I ask a personal question?’ Tommy asked.
‘No, you can ask, but I may not be able to answer,’ the Queen replied.
‘Who are you supporting in the Cup Final?’ asked Tommy.
‘Neither, I am impartial,’ said the Queen.
‘In that case,’ said Tommy, ‘do you mind if I have your Cup Final tickets?’ Cooperisms website, Tommy Cooper at Royal Command Performance
No man was ever surprised by failure. Cooper you see has a distinct attitude towards life. A stoic attitude, a gurgling self-awareness of the futility of human effort. And this is what raises him above the crowd. Ken Tyler, theatre critic
The funniest man ever to appear on this stage. Ed Sullivan Show
It didn’t matter what he did. People absolutely loved him. Jim Tavare
Anyone can do magic badly. But you have to be a genius like Tommy Cooper to get away with how he done it. Joe Pasquale
Unattractive young man with indistinct speaking voice and extremely unfortunate appearance. Comedy patter with cod magic. Nonchalant approach, but poor diction and unpleasant manner. BBC initial post-war assessment of Tommy Cooper
Dying on stage is an occupational hazard for every comedian. But Tommy Cooper brought a whole new meaning to the phrase when he had a heart attack during a live TV show at Her Majesty’s Theatre in 1984. The man literally died to the sound of laughter. He was a brand with a trademark red fez and the catchphrase [Not like that, like that] ... Whose mere entrance on stage had audiences erupting with uncontrollable laughter. He was an icon. Respected by his peers. And yet despite the plaudits and the trappings of success he was privately plagued by the trappings of success. The Art of Tommy Cooper
The sheer size of the man was in direct contrast to the child-like quality of his gags. ibid.
For almost twenty years he was in love with two women. ibid.
What else you got? Well it’s magic. Magic ... Mary Kay, my assistant. Tommy Cooper: Not Like That, Like This, Tommy’s introduction in store, ITV 2014
Never raise your voice to me again. ibid. Tommy to lover
There is a reason why monogamy works, Tommy. ibid. agent
Tommy, it’s four in the morning. ibid. lover to Tommy in pub
‘Making the world a happier place.’ Tommy Cooper: In His Own Words, Jimmy Tarbuck, Channel 5 2018
‘He walked on and they laughed.’ ibid.