John Motson TV - Lily Tomlin - Penn & Teller TV - Frankie Boyle - The League of Gentlemen TV - Woody Allen - Voltaire - Old Jews Telling Jokes & John Pleshette TV - Genesis 38:8-10 - Leviticus 15:16&17 - Leviticus 20:2 - Leviticus 21:15 - Robert Clark - Mark Twain - Robert Anton Wilson - Chelsea Handler - George Carlin - Ray Donovan TV - Greyfort - Choke 2008 - Mae West - Christopher Hitchens - Evil Under the Sun 1982 - Mormon Declaration 1982 - Spencer W Kimball - Bill Hicks - The Office US TV - The Trailer Park Boys 2001-2018 - Game of Thrones TV -
Brazil – they’re so good it’s like they are running round the pitch playing with themselves. John Motson
We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation. Lily Tomlin
There are health benefits to masturbate ... Masturbation is great fun and medically magical. Penn & Teller, Bullshit! s4e10: Abstinence, Showtime 2006
I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think. It made me think, Is there really nothing on the internet that I wouldn’t masturbate to? Frankie Boyle, Mock the Week
In this house we don’t masturbate. The League of Gentlemen s1e1: Welcome to Royston Vasey, host, BBC 1999
For ever indulging himself in the pleasures of the palm. The League of Gentlemen s1e3: Nightmare in Royston Vasey, host
Perhaps if you’d spent a little less time cavorting with Madam Palm and her five lovely daughters. ibid.
Host to wife and twins: Think of the difficulties a son would provide – the nightmare of puberty. Endless sessions in the bathroom as Junior shakes hot white coconuts from the veiny love tree. Yes, we’re better off with Chloe and Radcliff. The League of Gentlemen: Destination s2e1: Royston Vasey
‘What if he’s masturbating? I’m liable to wind up on the ceiling.’ Everything You Always Wanted to Know about Sex 1972 starring Woody Allen & Jack Berry & John Carradine & Erin Fleming & Elaine Giftos & ToniHolt & Lou Jacobi & Louise Lasser & Robert Q Lewis & Lynn Redgrave & Burt Reynolds & Anthony Quayle & Sidney Miller et al, director Woody Allen, sperm to sperm
I’m such a good lover because I practise a lot on my own. Woody Allen
Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love. Annie Hall 1977 starring Woody Allen & Diane Keaton & Tony Robers & Carol Kane & Paul Simon & Janet Margolin & Shelley Duvall & Christpher Walken & Colleen Dewhurst & Donald Symington et al, director Woody Allen, Woody
I have this masturbation class. If I’m not there they start without me. Zelig 1983 starring Woody Allen & Mia Farrow & Patrick Horgan & John Buckwalter & Susan Sontag & Saul Bellow & Bruno Bettelheim & Irving Howe & John Morton Blum & Ada Bricktop Smith et al, director Woody Allen, Zelig
It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it’s a pretty odd sort of chastity at that which leads men straight into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their colour. Voltaire
A guy goes to his doctor, and the doctor goes, ‘Look. I don’t know how to tell you this but you’ve just got to stop masturbating.’ The guy says, ‘Why?’ He says, ‘So I can examine you.'’ Old Jews Telling Jokes 1/2, John Pleshette, born 1942 actor & director & screenwriter
Lots of blokes I know say that women are actually very bad at that because they do it too hard and it hurts. We know. That’s why we do it. Jo Brand, comedienne, on stage
And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother’s wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.
And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.
And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also. Genesis 38:8-10
And if any man’s seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall wash all his flesh in water, and be unclean until the even.
And every garment, and every skin, whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be washed with water, and be unclean until the even. Leviticus 15:16&17
Again, thou shalt say to the children of Israel, Whosoever he be of the children of Israel, or of the strangers that sojourn in Israel, that giveth any of his seed unto Molech; he shall surely be put to death: the people of the land shall stone him with stones. Leviticus 20:2
Neither shall he profane his seed among his people: for I the Lord do sanctify him. Leviticus 21:15
Above all others I pity the homeless: where can they go to masturbate? Robert Clark
8The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable. They are these: A disposition to eat, to drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke, and tell indelicate stories – and mainly, a yearning to paint pictures. Mark Twain, On Masturbation
Masturbation is not the happiest form of sexuality, but the most advisable for him who wants to be alone and think. I detect the aroma of this pleasant vice in most philosophers, and a happily married logicians is almost a contradiction in terms. So many sages have regarded Woman as temptress because fornication often leads to marriage, which usually leads to children, which always leads to a respectable job and pretending to believe the idiocies your neighbors believe. The hypocrisy of the sages has been to conceal their timid onanism and call it celibacy. Robert Anton Wilson, Nature’s God
After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow. It’s a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating. Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
If God had intended us not to masturbate, he would’ve made our arms shorter. George Carlin, cited Stream Jokes: Their Purpose and Meaning, 1993
cf.
If God didn’t want us to jerk off, he would have given us shorter arms. Ray Donovan s3e5: Handshake Deal, Mick, Showtime 2015
Toronto 1st Ward, on Fasting Testimony Day, in Sacrament Meeting: In tears, he says, ‘I know that I’m not worthy of all these beautiful Daughters of God, because I masturbate.’ Greyfort, board post 15th December 2015, ‘What's the Craziest Thing You Ever Heard Said in Church?’
By then he was masturbating fifteen times a week just to stay even. Choke 2008 starring Sam Rockwell & Anjelica Huston & Jonah Bobo & Kelly MacDonald & Brad William Henke & Paz de la Huerta & Gillian Jacobs & Clark Gregg & Bijou Phillips et al, director Clark Gregg, opening remarks
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand. Mae West
Religion is also blamed for the hideous consequences of the masturbation taboo. Christopher Hitchens, God is Not Great p226
Stern lectures from clergymen, replete with nonsense about semen as an irreplaceable and finite energy source, dominated the upbringing of generations. Robert Baden-Powell composed an entire obsessive treatise on the subject. ibid. p226
The Inter-Islam and Islamic Voice sites recycle this tripe, as if there were not already enough repression and ignorance among young males in the Muslim world. ibid. p227
It’s some plan, isn’t it? Mass destruction, pitiless extermination, annihilation going on all the time, and all of this set in motion on a scale that’s absolutely beyond our imagination in order that the pope can tell people not to jerk off. Christopher Hitchens
Why don’t you go and play with yourself? Evil Under the Sun 1982 starring Peter Ustinov & Jane Birkin & Colin Blakely & Nicholas Clay & James Mason & Roddy McDowall & Sylvia Miles & Denis Quilley & Diana Rigg & Maggie Smith & Emily Hone et al, director Guy Hamilton, Mason to McDowall