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Plato pursued the platitude of good,

Aristotle urged we do what we should.

The Cynics rejected wealth, fame and power,

The Hedonists were a party-going shower.

Epicureans wanted a life pain free,

Stoics were patient and sighed c’est la vie.

The Enlightenment taught natural rights,

Liberal wimps practised politics light.

Bentham’s ‘greatest happiness principle’

Utilitarianism is the title.

Kant can’t abide the unprincipled fool,

Nihilists think God is dead as a rule.

Pragmatists struggle through practical strife,

Existentialists create their own Life.

Absurdists expect a disharmony,

Secular humanists claim we are free.

Logical positivism doesn’t ask,

For Postmodernists scrutiny’s the task.

Pantheists nurture the environment,

Confucius was an ordinary gent.

Buddhists are hippies and seek nirvana,

Mohists give free love in their pyjamas.

Legalists pursue natural knowledge,

Christians on Sunday like to trim their hedge.

Catholics prefer love au natural,

The Mormons collect a harem of gals.

The Jewish God loves a wild killing spree,

The Baha’i faith seeks human harmony.

Zoroastrianism divides right from wrong,

Quakers are silent, never sing a song.

Islamists worship Allahu Akbar,

Hinduists seek karma and sansara.

Janists are veggies, never hurt a fly,

Sikhs wear headscarves but never wear a tie.

Taoists maintain natural truth in tune,

Shintoists watch sumo from April to June.

Don’t let the bastards tell you what to do,

Ask a computer you’ll get forty-two.

Never be hoodwinked, never bend the knee,

And most important never give money.   [2012]