A man walked into the doctor’s. The doctor said, ‘I haven't seen you in a long time.’ The man replied, ‘I know. I've been ill.’ Tommy Cooper
A man walked into the doctor’s; he said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places.’ The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go there any more.’ Tommy Cooper
I went to the doctor’s the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite. Tommy Cooper
I went to the doctor’s the other day, and he said, ‘Go to Bournemouth; it’s great for flu.’ So I went, and I got it. Tommy Cooper
I went to the doctor’s with a jelly stuck in one ear and custard in the other. The doctor asked, ‘What seems to be the problem?’ I said, ‘You’ll have to speak up – I’m a trifle deaf.’ Tommy Cooper
‘Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home.’ ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.’ ‘Is it common?’ ‘It’s not unusual.’ Tommy Cooper
He said, ‘I want you to lie down on the couch.’ I said, ‘What for?’ He said, ‘I want to sweep up.’ Tommy Cooper
What’s up, doc? Buggs Bunny
I call my doctor Chomsky. He hits me with a ruler. Woody Allen, Manhattan 1979 starring Woody Allen & Diane Keaton & Michael Murphy & Mariel Hemingway & Meryl Streep & Anne Byrne & Michael O’Donoghue & Wallace Shawn & Karen Ludwig & Mark Linn-Baker et al, director
70,499. Physicians of all men are most happy; what good success soever they have, the world proclaimeth, and what faults they commit, the earth covereth. Francis Quaries, Hieroglyphics of the Life of Man, 1638
70,500. Dr James Grigson – known as Doctor Death, who testified in more than 100 trials that resulted in death sentences. As an expert psychiatrist, Dr Grigson made a name for himself by giving testimony in capital cases for the prosecution. Under the law in Texas, the death penalty can only be issued if the jury is convinced that the defendant is not just guilty, but will commit violent crimes in the future if he/she is not put to death. In almost every instance, Dr Grigson would, after examining a defendant, testify that he had found the individual in question to be an incurable sociopath, who it was ‘one hundred per cent certain’ would kill again. Wikipedia, The Thin Blue Line
The wounded surgeon plies the steel
That questions the distempered part;
Beneath the bleeding hands we feel
The sharp compassion of the healer’s art
Resolving the enigma of the fever chart. T S Eliot, Four Quartets ‘East Coker’
He’s an expeditious man, who likes to hurry his patients along; and when you have to die, he sees to that quicker than anyone. Moliere aka Jean-Baptiste Poquelin
The Mantle Retractor – now the standard of the industry. Dead Ringers 1988 starring Jeremy Irons & Jonathan Haley & Nicholas Haley & Genevieve Bujold & Heidi von Palleske & Barbara Gordon & Shirley Douglas & Stephen Lack & Nick Nichols & Lynne Cormack & Damir Andrei & Mirian Newhouse & Jill Hennessy et al, director David Cronenberg, college presentation
You’ll be all right – just do me. ibid. brother to brother
I slave over the hot snatches and Elliot makes the speeches. ibid. Beverly
Beverly and I just have to get synchronised. Once we’re synchronised it’ll be easy. ibid.
Honour a physician with the honour due to him for the uses which ye may have of him: for the Lord hath created him. Ecclesiasticus 38:1
He that sinneth before his Maker, let him fall into the hand of the physician. Ecclesiasticus 38:15
They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick. St Matthew 9:12
Physician, heal thyself. Luke 4:23
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Erma Bombeck
The idea of winning a doctor’s degree gradually assumed the aspect of a great moral struggle, and the moral fight possessed immense attraction for me. Elizabeth Blackwell
As a medical doctor, it is my duty to evaluate the situation with as much data as I can gather and as much expertise as I have and as much experience as I have to determine whether or not the wish of the patient is medically justified. Jack Kevorkian
A physician can bury his mistakes, but the architect can only advise his client to plant vines – so they should go as far as possible from home to build their first buildings. Frank Lloyd Wright, New York Times 4th October 1953
I went to the doctor last week. I said: ‘Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?’ He said: ‘Why?’ I said: ‘She’s woke up.’ Les Dawson
There's never been a doctor who served many patients who, despite their best efforts, did not lose some of them to death. But they understood that was part of life itself. Zig Ziglar
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso. Rita Rudner
I guessed that he was one of those ambitious young physicians who more and more fill the profession, opportunists with a fashionable hoodlum image, openly hostile to their patients. My brief stay at the hospital had already convinced me that the medical profession was an open door to anyone nursing a grudge against the human race. J G Ballard, Crash
The medical profession is unconsciously irritated by lay knowledge. John Steinbeck, East of Eden
I have noticed that doctors who fail in the practice of medicine have a tendency to seek one another’s company and aid in consultation. Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms
Shabelsky: Doctors are the same as lawyers, the sole difference being that lawyers only rob you, but doctors rob you and kill you too. Anton Chekhov, Ivanov
Oh my God, my heart ... I’ve got spots in front of my eyes ... Oh my heart ... I’m going to die. I can’t move my leg ... Where’s my shoulder? I’m going to die. Get me a doctor. Chekhov: Comedy Shorts: The Proposal, Sky Arts 2010
Men who are occupied in the restoration of health to other men, by the joint exertion of skill and humanity, are above all the great of the earth. They even partake of divinity, since to preserve and renew is almost as noble as to create. Voltaire
Doctors are men who prescribe medicines of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less, in human beings of whom they know nothing. Voltaire
For what Harley Street specialist has time to understand the body, let alone the mind or both in combination, when he is a slave to thirteen thousand a year? Virginia Woolf
Is it not also true that no physician, in so far as he is a physician, considers or enjoins what is for the physician's interest, but that all seek the good of their patients? For we have agreed that a physician strictly so called, is a ruler of bodies, and not a maker of money, have we not? Plato
The doctor should be opaque to his patients and, like a mirror, should show them nothing but what is shown to him. Sigmund Freud
Time is the best doctor. Ovid
God heals and the doctor takes the fee. Benjamin Franklin
In nothing do men more nearly approach the gods, than in giving health to men. Marcus Tullius Cicero
A doctor is nothing more than consolation for the spirit. Petronius Arbiter
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. Martin H Fischer