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132,378. They have the best giftshop at Auschwitz. They have, here it comes, yes, yes, smoked ham, a Hitler watch – they hands when they get to noon – Heil! – And they have a pen – watch the Jews go in the oven, watch the Jews come out of the oven – too much? Then I won’t tell you my Witney Houston joke. (Comedy & Joke & Concentration Camp & Watch) Joan Rivers, Don’t Start With Me, Netflix 2012
3,158. We have your satellite. If you want it back send 20 billion in Martian money. No funny business or you will never see it again. (Space & Satellite & Mars & Joke & Graffiti) Graffiti reportedly written on wall at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Lab 1999 after loss of Mars Polar Lander
9,102. A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes. (Philosophy & Joke) Ludwig Wittgenstein
19,062. It’s like my whole life is joke. A big fucking joke on me. (Gangstas: New Jersey & Joke & Life’s Like That) The Sopranos: The Fleshy Part of the Thigh s6e4 starring James Gandolfini & Lorriane Bracco & Edie Falco & Michael Imperioli & Dominic Chianese & Steven van Zandt & Tony Sirico & Robert Iler et al, Pauli to Tony
24,182. There was a young lady from Venus, whose body was shaped like a ... (Star Trek & Joke) Star Trek: The Next Generation: The Naked Now s1e3, Data
32,225. Doctor: Do you know any jokes?
King: Timing isn’t my strong suit. (George VI & Joke) The King’s Speech 2011 starring Colin Firth & Geoffrey Rush & Guy Pearce & Helena Bonham Carter & Timothy Spall & Derek Jacobi & Jennifer Ehle & Anthony Andrews & Claire Bloom & Eve Best & Freya Wilson & Tim Downie & Roger Hammond & Michael Gambon et al, director Tom Hooper
43,135. The energy that otherwise would have been used to repress a desire is saved by joking – which allows aggression to be released. (Comedy & Joke) Sigmund Freud
43,370. Never take a joke seriously. (Comedy & Joke) Bernard Manning
72,790. Fat jokes aren’t relevant, but they're hilarious when you find them. (Fat & Joke) Joan Rivers
77,901. It was obvious the joke was lethal. No-one could read it and live. Monty Python’s Flying Circus s1e1, BBC 1969
102,122. It was not long before the army became interested in the military potential of the killer joke. ibid.
77,902. Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie ... A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion. George Orwell, cited ‘The Art of Donald McGill’
77,903. A joke’s a very serious thing. Charles Churchill 1731-64, English poet, The Ghost
77,904. What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog. Groucho Marx
77,905. I don’t mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one. Marilyn Monroe
88,035. There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them. (Seriousness & Joke) Werner Heisenberg
90,734. I’ve got that big Miami joke that I do: about the hotels being expensive ... Last night it died. (Talent & Joke) Broadway Danny Rose 1984 starring Woody Allen & Mia Farrow & Nick Apollo Forte & Sandy Baron & Corbett Monica & Jackie Gayle & Morty Gunty & Will Jordan & Howard Storm & Gloria Parker et al, director Woody Allen, dude at table
90,924. Jokes are such hard work ... I’ve never understood the ha ha business. (Thatcher & Joke) Margaret starring Lindsay Duncan & Ian McDiarmid & Roger Allam & Michael Cochrane & Oliver Cotton & Philip Jackson & Robert Hardy & James Fox et al, Margaret
91,006. One day there were three tomatoes walking down the street, a mama tomato, a daddy tomato and a baby tomato. Baby tomato is walking too slowly, so the daddy tomato goes back, steps on him and says, ‘Ketchup!’ Pulp Fiction 1994 starring John Travolta & Samuel L Jackson & Tim Roth & Amanda Plummer & Ving Rhames & Uma Thurman & Bruce Willis & Christopher Walken & Frank Whaley & Eric Stoltz & Rosanna Arquette & Steve Buscemi et al, director Quentin Tarantino, Uma Thurman’s joke to Vincent Vega
93,450. There’s a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words. (Wit & Joke & Jest) Dorothy Parker
78,855. The worse sort of judge – the judge who makes jokes. (Law & Judge) Rumpole of the Bailey, Rumpole and the Case of Identity s2e2, Rumpole in court
105,337. I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: ‘Stop. Don’t do it.’
‘Why shouldn’t I?’ he asked.
‘Well, there’s so much to live for!’
‘Are you religious?’
He said: ‘Yes.’
I said: ‘Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?’
‘Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?’
‘Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?’
‘Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?’
‘Baptist Church of God.’
‘Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?’
‘Reformed Baptist Church of God.’
‘Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?’
He said: ‘Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915.’
I said: ‘Die, heretic scum,’ and pushed him off. (Joke & Cult & Religion & Bigot) Guardian online 26th September 2005 article ‘Bigot on a bridge wins poll for funniest religious joke’
110,242. Jokes: modern art is full of them. (Art & Joke) Matthew Collings, This is Modern Art V: Hollow Laughter
110,243. Marcel Duchamp: iconic, laconic, sardonic, wry, dry, a bit austere, a bit erotic, a cool French guy … Irony is at the heart of Duchamp’s output. (Art & Joke) ibid.
110,244. Most of us kind of think that art is quality. (Art & Joke) ibid.
110,245. Art that questions the meaning of art: we’re all used to that now. (Art & Joke) ibid.
110,246. Magritte’s joke is the joke of the wrong label … but it is beautiful in a way. (Art & Joke) ibid.
110,247. Mazoni: Artists’s shit, each one individually signed. When he first sold them they cost their weight in gold. How they’re worth much more. (Art & Joke) ibid.
124,054. ‘Fork ‘andles is not Ronnie Barker’s joke. It’s something that was sent into him by a view to whom it had actually happened.’ (Comedy & Joke) Steve Punt, Comedy Legends s1e4: Ronnie Barker