First witness in the dock for the Prosecution — Dr Robert Beckford’s TV documentary, The Hidden Story of Jesus, confronts viewers with comparisons of Jesus and Krishna … of Jesus and Buddha …
‘The story of Jesus wasn’t quite as unique as you might have thought. That the Hindu God Krishna also had a miraculous birth and was also attended by angels and shepherds. And that like Jesus, the Buddha also performed miracles, walking on water and feeding the five-hundred ... The similarities between the teachings of Jesus and Buddha are remarkable.’
… with comparisons of Jesus and Mithras — god to Romans and Persians — and Michelin-star chef for a cult popular with soldiers, merchants, and first-century harmonica players.
[Dr Beckford]: ‘The rise of Mithras almost exactly parallels the rise of Jesus ... A saviour God who offered his followers a life after death — did Christianity steal these ideals? ... One tradition claims Mithras even had a virgin birth ... They chose December 25th, the winter solstice, which also happens to be the birthday of Mithras ... The Roman god Mithras and the ancient Egyptian cult of Osiris are just too close to home to be dismissed so easily.’ ibid.
Many highfalutin’ historians, after a happy meal of wild mushrooms, feel themselves convulsing comparisons of the hippy Jesus and … well, take your pick …
‘He [Horus] was all that was good and righteous and holy. And he had his adversary — his name was Set. Sound a little bit familiar? Like with Jesus of Nazareth, who had his adversary, Satan? Horus-Set = Jesus-Satan. In fact the resemblances between Jesus and Ah-men-Ra or Horus and all of the other saviours of mankind are just too many. They go on and on and on ... Horus baptised with water by Arup; Jesus baptised with water by John ... Horus as the Lamb; Jesus as the Lamb … Horus of twelve years; Jesus of twelve years. Horus made a man of thirty with his baptism; Jesus made a man of thirty years with his baptism. Horus the Krst; Jesus the Christ ...’ Derek Partridge, The Naked Truth
The British Museum’s bad boy, the exotically named Sir Ernest Alfred Thompson Wallis Budge, may have light-fingered a shipload of Egyptian artefacts for his employer, but he also knocked out for fun the odd treaties on the comparative origins of belief:
‘In Osiris, the Christian Egyptians found the prototype of Christ, and in the pictures and statues of Isis suckling her son Horus, they perceived the prototypes of the Virgin Mary and her child.’ E A Wallis Budge, Egyptian Religion
When comparisons come they come not single hors d’oeuvres but the full plat du Jesu of … Antigonus, Apollonius of Tyana, Asclepius, Attis, Babylonion kings, Cyrus, Dionysus, Odysseus, Prometheus …
‘Jesus is called the Lamb of God. The Lamb of God that takes away the sins of the world. Now, you talk about an old concept and an old motif — that certainly is. Virtually all the ancient religions in the world had a Lamb of God that takes away the sins of the world.’ Jordan Maxwell, The Naked Truth
You are cordially invited to take your slim-pickings of Hearsay served by servants of the Defence, or a pig’s-dinner of Plagiarisms served by hippy professors of the Prosecution.
‘What are you left with?’ plaintively wonders Dr Beckett at the death. ‘Jesus the Jew.’
Well, we’ll wheel out the commonweal barrel ♪♪ — our favouritest minority sport — and wassail holy-grails of water-turned-wine ♪♪
[Alex]: ‘I read all about the scourging and the crowning with thorns. I could vide myself helping in and even taking charge of the toll-chocking and the nailing in. Being dressed in the height of Roman fashion. I didn’t so much like the latter part of the Book, which is all like preachy-talking rather than fighting and the old in-out. I like the parts where these old yahoodies toll-chock each other. Then drink their Hebrew vino. Getting onto the bed with their wives’ handmaidens. That kept me going.’ Stanley Kubrick, A Clockwork Orange, 1971
***
P. S. Jesus, long time no see. Psst! Not a dickie-bird to the Big Tax Collector upstairs, but I’ve been making a bomb on the side representing gods like yourself. I do High Court — paternity suits, genocide, diminished responsibility very popular — and the London Stage, making sure you don’t get Shaftsbury-Avenued. You with me, old son? Have you seen Paul Daniels? That’s the height you’re aiming for. Let me give you a free drop of advice — I like the loaves-and-fishes, the turning water into wine, but the pack of piggies not so. If you could make your 12 disciples disappear (they don’t bring much to the party now, do they?) all the better. And if you’re looking for a glamorous assistant — Mary Magdalene! You remember Mary? She remembers you. Get your hand in, make a splash on the London stage, and then who knows? Las Vegas will love you! Not so much as Frank and the boys, but certainly better than Adele. Must go, kettle’s boiled. Give me a ring,
Juggling on your behalf 24/7,
esias ryder, theatrical agent, and provider of proper legal advice to the stars (Mr 20%).
*****