MORMONS XI: Meetings & Temples & Baptisms & Necrodunking: Crazy Stuff - Special Witnesses - Funerals - Testimony - The Three-Hour Trap - Baptism & Baptism For the Dead - Repentance & Sin - Temples & Freemasonry
esias - Bellaluna - Sam I Am - chanson - MadeGuy - Romulus - jim1 - sb - masonfree - adoylelb - Deluded - Arabella - Greyfort - hangar18 - Freeme - Southern ExMo - John - Tricia - Smith Kennedy - Satan's little helper - David - The Driver - Stones - Hugh Nibley - Deconstructor - Darquestar - Simon Southerton - Matthew Bowman - Peep Stoner - Russell M Nelson - Bruce R McConkie - M Russell Ballard - Boyd K Packer The Drive - Nightingale - John A Widtsoe - cooper - pretty amazed - smo - fh451 - awake now - Cr@ig P@xton - Mail online - I Corinthians 15:29 - Rabbi Marvin Hier - National Public Radio's Morning Edition - Dan Vogel - Brooke & Anonymous - Mark A Scherer - Helen Radkey - Baura - Moroni 8:8-9 - Mormon Stories - anointed one - Branch President's Handbook - Dallin H Oaks - Spencer W Kimball - Vaughn J Featherstone - Book of Moses 6:29 - Book of Moses 6:55 - Neal A Maxwell - Jeffrey Dodo Holland - Franklin D Richards - Reed Durham - Jerald & Sandra Tanner - William Harris - Reed Smoot - W Grant Bangerter - James E Talmage - Temple Endowment Ceremony -The New York Times - David John Buerger - Warsaw Signal - Deconstructor - Gordon B Hinckley - Lightfingerlouie - Antishock8 - Fanny Stenhouse - Church News - Randy J - Carol Y - Dieter F Uchtdorf - Fort Worth Star Telegram - Gorspel Dacktrin - John Todd - Brigham Young - Wilford Woodruff - Wandle Mace - Joseph Smith -
38,168. Succumb to a Sacrament meeting and sense yourself drowning in a sea of bullshit. esias
38,170. One of our Bishop’s counsellors was announcing that there were old garden tools in the meetinghouse shed that were free for the taking. He was suggesting that some of us take them home and get our youth doing ‘garden service projects’ for the widows and single mothers.
‘For example,’ he said, ‘Every young man should have a hoe. They come in very handy and are most useful. We have several for free. Just come and get them.’ Bellaluna, board post ‘Every Young Man Needs a Ho’
38,171. Finally he got to the topic of facial hair. As he was spouting off about the wickedness of facial hair and its implications of non-conformity, he suddenly asked me to stand up. Out of shock and without thinking I stood up.
Looking straight at me (as was everyone else) he told me to shave ‘that disgusting thing off’. Stunned I just sat down. After a few more minutes of senseless haranguing by the ‘loving bishop’ I rose to my feet so everyone would see me, stared at the bastard in a hard angry glare. It froze him for a few seconds, stopping him in mid-sentence.
I should have said something, but I was extremely angry. I just walked down the pew, out the door as the entire congregation was stone silent. Sam – I Am, board post ‘I Had a Wicked Beard!’
38,173. This is how it worked: All the 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th grade kids in the ward would get up at 5 in the morning and drive to the home of whichever member of the ward was unfortunate enough to have the calling of seminary teacher. This is almost always the mother of one of the seminary students (since who else would agree to do it?). The class was opened and closed with prayer like any other Mormon meeting. For the curriculum, each of the four years of seminary was devoted to one of the four standard works: Book of Mormon, New Testament, Old Testament, and Church History (with Doctrine & Covenants and Peal of Great Price). There weren’t enough students to have a separate class for each grade, so which of the four books you get first depends on what year you start. chanson, board post ‘Would You Like to Hear About Early Morning Seminary?’
38,174. One Sunday in High Priests Quorum, close to the end of my tenure as a believing Mormon, one of the counselors brought a list with him. It was a list of those Elders and High Priests who have not been attending, and we were supposed to tell what we knew about each one as he read down the list. Then he wanted us to think of ways to get them back to church so they could share the blessings that we worthless pieces of shit were hogging up for ourselves. He was kind enough to mention that the list was a ‘no contact’ list, and as he read the names I felt a kind of disconnectedness. Who are all these people? Only a couple of the names could I connect to a face. As he read, I gazed around the table at the faces of the glory-bound sons of bitches I knew only as Brother this or Brother that. I realized I hardly knew them either, and what was worse, they hardly knew me. MadeGuy, board post 13th August 2008 ‘Mormons in Denial about Low Activity Rate’
38,175. There was a youth speaker listed on the program but it was apparent that she didn’t come to church so the first counselor asked that her class President come up to the pulpit and bear her testimony since the first girl didn't show up. A young lady about fifteen years old stood up and walked to the front and in essence said that they were trying to reactivate the girl who was supposed to give the talk but that she must have ‘forgot or something’. She said that this girl and her family haven’t been to church for three or four years and she had hoped that by assigning the girl the talk that she would have shown up. So instead she was going to bear her testimony of missionary work and how important it is.
The next speaker was a man who obviously prepared his talk while he was shaving this morning. His assigned topic was the importance of temple work and ways we can motivate ourselves to go twice a month. He listed things like not eating dessert until you have attended the temple, only having enough gas in your car to drive to the temple and not filling up until after you attend, saving your favorite or special outfit or shirt for temple days and only wearing it when you go. This way if you have a designer shirt or dress, or a name brand jacket, you can wear it more often if you attend the temple. He closed his talk that he knows there are people on the other side of the veil who are waiting for their names to be processed so they can enjoy the gospel like us on the earth.
The special musical number was sung by four Primary-aged kids who sang I Love to See the Temple.
The concluding speaker was the High Counselor assigned to the Ward. He gave a thirty-minute rambling oration about nothing in particular. Topics covered included: temple work, the traditional family, tithing, the last days, and of course missionary work. The only thing I took away from his talk is that the Stake Presidency is developing a new plan to help the missionary work in the Stake. There will be further announcements about the plan over the next few weeks and then the plan will be introduced at a special fireside in December.
During the services I looked around and saw that out of about 120 people in attendance there were only about fifteen people listening. People were snoozing/resting their heads on the bench in front of them, playing with their Blackberries, scratching each other’s backs, or looking around aimlessly. And none of the speakers referred to their scriptures once during their talks or mentioned Christ either. Romulus, board post 19th October 2008 ‘I Decided to Check Out Church This Morning – Report’
38,176. Here are a couple of awkward moments in the ward I grew up in –
The priest was blessing the sacrament at a missionary farewell. He looked up at the bishop to see the bishop shaking his head that he screwed up. The priest yelled in the microphone – Oh Shit!
A member got up to bear his testimony with a shot gun. He said no one move, I am going to take up the whole meeting and everyone is going to sit and listen or else!
A member of our ward was a little mentally unstable. Whenever anyone finished a talk or prayer, he would scream amen as loud as possible.
A member of the bishopric was giving a speech. He paused and then feinted and hit the floor. Lucky there was a doctor in the ward to help him.
A new member moved into the ward. In priesthood they asked him to introduce himself. He said his name and then said he was grateful to be in the ward because we were all white and there were no other races. Awkward. jim1, board post 23rd August 2011 ‘Awkward Moment in Church’
81,466. Moultrie GA ward, 1997: EQP (70 years old) gets up an announces that he got a telescope recently and he saw Kolob. ‘It is a speck closest to the sun.’ He felt privileged to count himself in the short-list of those who have seen Kolob.
Quincy, FL: 1996: A mentally handicapped young man, Jeff, who likes to bear his testimony at every occasion gets up while a new very large and well- endowed African-American woman is bearing her first ever testimony. Jeff, sidles up to her and hugs her, then makes his move and reaches in her shirt and gets a handful; at the pulpit the woman not knowing the protocol allows it to happen and mumbles: I love you too ...
Mesa, AZ 2000ish: A SS teacher, who would later be convicted of plotting the murder of the sheriff and governor, explains that AZ used to be a much different and peaceful place before the Lamanites came, because before that it was ‘just Nephites’.
Tallahassee, FL 1998: A missionary gets up and announces his love and engagement to the bishop's 14 year old daughter. This is news to everyone except the girl, who walk up to the podium as her dad tries to restrain her.
North Salt Lake, UT: 2010. A registered child sex offender, one of 4 active in the Elder’s Quorum, is teaching a lesson on repentance, he says: Don’t let guilt keep you from coming to church; just because you looked at a ‘couple of things’ does not mean that you were ‘supposed to be perfect’. sb, board post 15th December 2014 ‘What's the Craziest Thing You Ever Heard Said in Church?’